My Neck Hurts, so I'm writing...

Before I was ra-ra-ra-ripped from my own head
I was ripped from my own goddamn mind
I followed what he had to say
that women are less
less money, less brains, less.
women are less.
and i said, yes. i am less.
and now i am one less to him
i am one less
bitch he will have to listen to
i am one less
girl with a big head and a bigger mouth
i know my flaws and point them out
like road signs leading the way home

my mind is a woman when my body was not
and it always will be.
my mind points out the signs of
abuse
and abuse
and bullshit you fed me but now
i am one less
dumb-ass cunt you will waste your time
and money on
i am one less
mouth to feed
one less
burden in your pocketbook you selfish fucking prick

my body may be marked
by the shit that's run me over,
the shit that has lived in my body and
taken up residence in the folds of my mind
and the lobes of my heart
and my body may be marked
but it is well-marked
and well-earned.
my body is mine, again, finally.

and i will play it like the guitar my parents bought me for christmas

i will use it as the tool that it is
to entice and incite
and never will i be ashamed of the marks
the marks are road signs
pointing my way home.

Check this shit out

I love it. Oh, how I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOv47njeLHQ&feature=related

Not poetry

I know it's not poetry, but I wanted to say that I'm sick.
Like, sick as hell sick.
I have an ear infection, which makes me vomit most of the time. I am sick to my stomach becausethe antibiotics suck balls.

This sucks.

Magnolia

Claudia Gator: I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.
Claudia Wilson Gator: [to Jim] I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything. And maybe we can get through the piss, shit, and lies that kill other people.


[Claudia kisses Jim]
Claudia Wilson Gator: I wanted to do that.
Jim Kurring: Well...
Claudia Wilson Gator: That felt good to do - to do what I wanted to do.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon. You're gonna find stuff out about me and you're gonna hate me.
Jim Kurring: No. Like what? What do you mean?
Claudia Wilson Gator: You have so much - so many good things. And you seem so together. You're a police officer and you seem so straight and put together - without any problems.
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today.
Claudia Wilson Gator: What?
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.
Claudia Wilson Gator: Jim. That, that was so...
Jim Kurring: I'm sorry.
Claudia Wilson Gator: - great. What you just said.
Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how fucking stupid I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how *crazy* I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I got troubles, okay?
Jim Kurring: I'll take everything at face value. I'll be a good listener.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I started this didn't I, didn't I - fuck.
Jim Kurring: Whatever it is, just say it, you'll see.
Claudia Wilson Gator: ...You wanna kiss me, Jim?
Jim Kurring: Yes, I do.

Jim Kurring: [to Claudia] I can't let this go. I can't let you go. Now, you... you listen to me now. You're a good person. You're a good and beautiful person and I won't let you walk out on me. And I won't let you say those things - those things about how stupid you are and this and that. I won't stand for that. You want to be with me... then you be with me. You see?
[Claudia smiles]

the softness

the softness in the side and hips and thighs
makes me wonder why grown men don't fall
it trembles under touch and reaches for release
and it's soft, so unbearably soft

i could break you
he said
because i am so soft
and his lips let slip
so soft
ive never felt more proud

a woman is what she is and
this one is soft

mmmmm

she said,
he sees you as a woman,
and i cried.

because the woman in me
wasn't there
it was the beast
i was the beast
i was the monster scratching for survival and needing the slime in my life to breathe
i haven't been a woman in so very long

it's the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

Brisk through my nose

It's brisk through my nose when I breathe in and I feel it in my ears
it's sifting through my past and covering over the dead in me
sighs of
relief
hurt cries out, the hurt cries out and i,
i smother it with booze and drugs of all kinds
it's safe to me, sweet to me
the taste of the silence in my mouth
which has sickened me
now forces a smile onto my lips
and i breathe in and it's brisk
and i forget the time before now
and here
and me
and now
and you
and now
and i crave it like a fucking meal i swear to god i need the drug you give me
in my blood
i need you in my blood

and i take another breath and it's brisk
and i smother you and you are silent
and the silence makes me smile in the carefee pain
and the dis-cum-passion makes my heart disappear