______________________
All the Fire
All the flame
And the fire
And the heat
That bit into every nerve I had
With sweet sweet irresistible teeth
Has left
And for all the pain of the bite,
Id rather bleed.
_____________________________________
It begins with one soft touch,
A surprise to my neck
My ear,
Your breath on my ear,
It opened my eyes in a gasp
And my mouth in an “o”
And made my muscles go tense and loose
And tense again.
No, the first time wasn’t good.
It was awkward and strange
A newborn thing on my mouth
And I was totally unaware of how to make it work
If it was working
So, that being that…
I missed out on the warmness of the newness of my first kiss.
_________________________________________
When words have failed,
Touch came and translated, translated, understood.
Touch understood.
Touch led to kiss led to moan led to linger
Lingering eyes and hands and fingers and lips and eyes
Eyes and eyes and eyes
Led to bed led to nothing in between.
Nothing in between led to trust.
Led to trust. Led to trust. Led to trust.
Led to love.
Led to care
Led to concern led to compassion led to
Sympathy led to pain led to pain
Pain pain pain pain pain pain
Pain numbed the words,
The words always failed
The touch tried to translate, tried to understand
But the touch was hard to come by, the touch was hard.
The touch never came.
Led to pain pain pain led to pain.
Led to sad, led to truth, led to lies, led to disbelief and unsureities and insecurities and doubts led to hope.
Hope led to you.
Hope was always led to you, when words failed and touch never came.
Hope led to you.
Hope led to love led to love love love love love love love
Led to you.
_______________________________________
Pressed near your warm firm chest I feel safe god help me I feel safe and I hate myself for it that it is only when in your arms that I feel fine I feel fine in your arms and near you and you get me without me speaking and you know me and I want to know how you know and what you think and I want to know why it is that you let me into your arms and your bed is it because I insist or because my insistence lets you let down your walls and let me in if only for a few minutes a night
_________________________________________
oh you let me in for a few minutes every day and those minutes feel so good
they feel so god damn good
and they feel so right.
“he sees you as a woman”
she says and I cried
because it’s so true and so right
and that’s why I love it.
That’s why I need it
Sadly
But you’re the first man I know to see me for what I am
And still see me as the woman that I’ve never known
God help me, I want to be a woman to you.
I want to keep being a woman to you
I want to keep feeling like a woman.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
i am clipping you out of my head
i am clipping you out of my head and trying not to let him take your place
because i already have a therapist
and i already have the drugs i need so much
and i am clipping you out my head and my heart and i love the feeling of these blades in my head
i love the feeling of th blades over my heart just enough to tease, just enough to make my toes curl
he made my toes curl, not by making me blind
but my touching me in the places where i am most beautiful, by touching the parts of me that everyone and anyone can see and not the places where i am hurt and damaged and in trouble those places are not where he touched he did not touch and will not touch those places...
but he made my toes curl, curl to get away from the way he made them curl, they curl to hide and run from everything he was showing me
i am terrified of everything he is showing me
he's a big person, yes, but his soul is even greater and it stifles me and it terrifies me and i need to take in a breath
so i must push him off and away and breathe again
until i need him to suffocate me so that i know i am alive and still feeling
and then is when he is sweetest of all, then is when he is hot in my mouth and my head and makes me dizzy
and he will once again make my toes curl and i will hate him for it just like i hate him now
because i already have a therapist
and i already have the drugs i need so much
and i am clipping you out my head and my heart and i love the feeling of these blades in my head
i love the feeling of th blades over my heart just enough to tease, just enough to make my toes curl
he made my toes curl, not by making me blind
but my touching me in the places where i am most beautiful, by touching the parts of me that everyone and anyone can see and not the places where i am hurt and damaged and in trouble those places are not where he touched he did not touch and will not touch those places...
but he made my toes curl, curl to get away from the way he made them curl, they curl to hide and run from everything he was showing me
i am terrified of everything he is showing me
he's a big person, yes, but his soul is even greater and it stifles me and it terrifies me and i need to take in a breath
so i must push him off and away and breathe again
until i need him to suffocate me so that i know i am alive and still feeling
and then is when he is sweetest of all, then is when he is hot in my mouth and my head and makes me dizzy
and he will once again make my toes curl and i will hate him for it just like i hate him now
the drugs in my blood
the drugs in my blood beg for more beg for friends that it knows i will so willingly give
and the drugs in my blood beg for love and hate and something that it can feel and i will feed it with both.
the drugs in my blood make me hungry for the words and the words make me hungry for the tears and the tears will not come for fear of the blood
and so here are the words behind the blue of my eyes and the green that you saw
here are the words that nibble at my mind when my mouth is not moving, which is not often enough
my mouth is moving to keep the words at bay but now i give myself over to the words and let them own me and eat me and devour me and i will gain their strength because the words are who i am and the words are hungry
when all is said and done and the drugs are in my blood again i will feed them with more words and more drugs and more more more more more more of whatever they ask
and the drugs in my blood beg for love and hate and something that it can feel and i will feed it with both.
the drugs in my blood make me hungry for the words and the words make me hungry for the tears and the tears will not come for fear of the blood
and so here are the words behind the blue of my eyes and the green that you saw
here are the words that nibble at my mind when my mouth is not moving, which is not often enough
my mouth is moving to keep the words at bay but now i give myself over to the words and let them own me and eat me and devour me and i will gain their strength because the words are who i am and the words are hungry
when all is said and done and the drugs are in my blood again i will feed them with more words and more drugs and more more more more more more of whatever they ask
fed up
i cant even bring myself to think of you because you are my greatest disappointment to date.
you made promises you couldn't keep and i couldn't see that it's not ok to love someone so much
it's not ok to love someone and expect them to understand you when they are standing far too close to see you.
you were so close you couldn't even focus your eyes on my pain and see it and lick it and heal it for what it was but no you licked it with knives and the knives in your eyes cut me in so many ways away from you and this is your fault.
this is your fault.
after the substance inside you fades away i was far enough away to see you as you really are and to see you as you are made me vomit.
i can't believe i shared ten pathetic months with your incapable ass.
oh, and by the way, i lied.
the sex was not that great. especially not when it got boring at the end.
also, your penis is my second greatest disappointment.
you made promises you couldn't keep and i couldn't see that it's not ok to love someone so much
it's not ok to love someone and expect them to understand you when they are standing far too close to see you.
you were so close you couldn't even focus your eyes on my pain and see it and lick it and heal it for what it was but no you licked it with knives and the knives in your eyes cut me in so many ways away from you and this is your fault.
this is your fault.
after the substance inside you fades away i was far enough away to see you as you really are and to see you as you are made me vomit.
i can't believe i shared ten pathetic months with your incapable ass.
oh, and by the way, i lied.
the sex was not that great. especially not when it got boring at the end.
also, your penis is my second greatest disappointment.
because it sees more it is willing to see less
Because you have seen more of me you are all willing to see less
and i cry in your warmth
when you wipe my self-pity from my eyes and you smother me with work and love and hate and love and respect
i begin to see myself the way you see me
as i am seen.
as i am seen by you, i am loved by you, and the love in your eyes makes me your forehead furrow and i can see through those fields and into your heart, which for you, resides in your mind.
and my chest leaps forwward into your chest, leaps forward onto your feet and all too eagerly laps at your eyes and the liquid they are seeping and you are holding back
but you knew before I did that I would be all too eager and you accept that.
And I stand before you and you join me in that night when I was lower than I have ever been and you see that night in my heart and hear it in my lips and tongue and need it just like i needed it, you need it to know that I am just like you
I am just like you.
And I hold you in my heart and my arms when you are not around.
And I want to say thank you for seeing me in that moment and not just looking but seeing.
and i cry in your warmth
when you wipe my self-pity from my eyes and you smother me with work and love and hate and love and respect
i begin to see myself the way you see me
as i am seen.
as i am seen by you, i am loved by you, and the love in your eyes makes me your forehead furrow and i can see through those fields and into your heart, which for you, resides in your mind.
and my chest leaps forwward into your chest, leaps forward onto your feet and all too eagerly laps at your eyes and the liquid they are seeping and you are holding back
but you knew before I did that I would be all too eager and you accept that.
And I stand before you and you join me in that night when I was lower than I have ever been and you see that night in my heart and hear it in my lips and tongue and need it just like i needed it, you need it to know that I am just like you
I am just like you.
And I hold you in my heart and my arms when you are not around.
And I want to say thank you for seeing me in that moment and not just looking but seeing.
An early morning after (no) sex
On this early morning after no sex,
I take in a gasp
and surprise myself with the embers in my pit.
the cold on my skin licks the heat in my skin and my head
and the purple in my head and my heart forces me into awe
purple, because my thoughts of you are red and blue
and never without linking, never stopping the mixing and the churning and the utter confusion.
you gave me a gift of tongues
you gave me more than you thought you did, thinking then
it's only no sex.
but now, now, now, it's so much more in me.
it's so much more because it is the first time in two years that i've been able to look at myself
and see the woman you touched when you fingered my skin and nuzzled my neck
i look at myself and see the woman that you saw, that you see
the one that makes you burn inside, the one who dominates your thoughts who steals the time from your mind and puts it in a box and shuttles that box into the sky to be lifted lifted lifted
on this early morning after no sex, i saw you and it terrified me.
that i say things to implicate you, to implicate your heart, and that i am playing with it like a cat and a mouse and it's hurting me inside to know that i want to destroy you.
god help me, i want to destroy you.
god help me, you are the best friend I've got that sees the woman I am and I want to destory you.
Your eyes lick over my breasts and my thighs and my calves, touching all the parts of me i've always thought were sexy and then you see them as they are and they should be and they tremble under your eyes
your eyes make me hate you and love you and need you and know that i can never really have what you could give
i can never really have what you could give
i will never have what you could give
i will hurt and destroy and confuse you to equalize the conflict within
you looked so good this early morning after no sex.
you looked so goddamn good and i wanted to touch your chest in the middle where you liked it, where you sighed when i touched and pushed
i was pushing my way into your heart and your life and your mind and i want out now.
i want out now, please.
your kindness is terrifying and i cry when i sit and stand and speak and i cry because you care and it terrifies me
that i am as great as i am, in my head, as i've always told myself how great i am.
that it's true, terrifies me. if you see it, and i see it, i am not blind.
i am not blind and you are not blind
and i've become an awkward beast who knows not its own strength
and i simply want to play
but that play will turn into kiss wiil turn into taste will turn into lick will turn into tease tease moan moan tremble and push and pull and pull and pull and pulling you into me with no sex.
and that play will burn your eyes and into your heart and through your blood i will own and destroy
so please stay away from me when you hold me,
please keep yourself in that distant land of weed and booze and musical peace and not into my head and my heart
i hate it that you are there and i lie to my friends and you are there and i hate it.
the peace and calm that you understand me with makes me hate you because i cannot understand myself with that peace and calm and i cry when i see the frustration in my eyes and i hate it because i love you.
i love you, who you are, not with me.
i love you the best way i can, which is far away from me.
so please...stay far away from me and i will love you that way and you will touch me in the night in your bed in your arms and i will be as far as the planets and you will love me then too
I take in a gasp
and surprise myself with the embers in my pit.
the cold on my skin licks the heat in my skin and my head
and the purple in my head and my heart forces me into awe
purple, because my thoughts of you are red and blue
and never without linking, never stopping the mixing and the churning and the utter confusion.
you gave me a gift of tongues
you gave me more than you thought you did, thinking then
it's only no sex.
but now, now, now, it's so much more in me.
it's so much more because it is the first time in two years that i've been able to look at myself
and see the woman you touched when you fingered my skin and nuzzled my neck
i look at myself and see the woman that you saw, that you see
the one that makes you burn inside, the one who dominates your thoughts who steals the time from your mind and puts it in a box and shuttles that box into the sky to be lifted lifted lifted
on this early morning after no sex, i saw you and it terrified me.
that i say things to implicate you, to implicate your heart, and that i am playing with it like a cat and a mouse and it's hurting me inside to know that i want to destroy you.
god help me, i want to destroy you.
god help me, you are the best friend I've got that sees the woman I am and I want to destory you.
Your eyes lick over my breasts and my thighs and my calves, touching all the parts of me i've always thought were sexy and then you see them as they are and they should be and they tremble under your eyes
your eyes make me hate you and love you and need you and know that i can never really have what you could give
i can never really have what you could give
i will never have what you could give
i will hurt and destroy and confuse you to equalize the conflict within
you looked so good this early morning after no sex.
you looked so goddamn good and i wanted to touch your chest in the middle where you liked it, where you sighed when i touched and pushed
i was pushing my way into your heart and your life and your mind and i want out now.
i want out now, please.
your kindness is terrifying and i cry when i sit and stand and speak and i cry because you care and it terrifies me
that i am as great as i am, in my head, as i've always told myself how great i am.
that it's true, terrifies me. if you see it, and i see it, i am not blind.
i am not blind and you are not blind
and i've become an awkward beast who knows not its own strength
and i simply want to play
but that play will turn into kiss wiil turn into taste will turn into lick will turn into tease tease moan moan tremble and push and pull and pull and pull and pulling you into me with no sex.
and that play will burn your eyes and into your heart and through your blood i will own and destroy
so please stay away from me when you hold me,
please keep yourself in that distant land of weed and booze and musical peace and not into my head and my heart
i hate it that you are there and i lie to my friends and you are there and i hate it.
the peace and calm that you understand me with makes me hate you because i cannot understand myself with that peace and calm and i cry when i see the frustration in my eyes and i hate it because i love you.
i love you, who you are, not with me.
i love you the best way i can, which is far away from me.
so please...stay far away from me and i will love you that way and you will touch me in the night in your bed in your arms and i will be as far as the planets and you will love me then too
It's been so long and dark
It's been so long since I've written in this thing, I forgot I had it. Literally.
So here's my newest poem, and I'll be writing another today. I'll never be able to put myself and my heart and the things I see into words, but these are my best efforts at the time.
When the light is turned off, the light is gone, the light is dimmed and gone and done and has left you with yourself.
When the light is gone and left me with myself, I knew myself. I knew who I was, what I was, saw myself most clearly when the light was gone.
I saw the pit and the hole and the deep dark ocean that swallowed all me in ink and blood and milk.
The scent disgusts overwhelms hates. The ink hates the milk hates the blood hates hates hates it cooks the inside.
It boils the inside and cooks the heart, done, rough, tough.
A tough heart can't be cut, boil it you motherfucker
BOIL IN THE BLOOD
It's being naked in front of you, who will not run, will not turn, will not disappear. Hate is better than nothing. Hate is always better than anything. Hate me. Please. Look at me and hate me.
I thought he would be there, but I was so fuckin wrong, stupid, alone, BOIL IN THE BLOOD MOTHERFUCKER I FUCKING BOIL YOU
I FUCKING BOIL YOU
You weak piece of shit, weak shit, weak weak WEAK MOTHERFUCKER
the strong boil the weak, i fucking TERRIFY YOU WEAK SHIT
muscle and grit and dirt inside terrify you, grind you, grind your fucking eyes till you walk out you piece of shit.
I will grind your fucking eyes, I will boil you in the shit of my life, I will feed you to the beasts that live in my heart and my head and terrify me until they devour every part of who you used to be and what you could have been. I will boil you in the shit of my life, I will feed you to the beasts in my head.
I will FEED YOU TO THE BEASTS IN MY HEAD MOTHERFUCKER
Sass stands up, sits down, nothing. Sass - not even close. I have not spunk, not sass, not sweet, not sexy.
You're too blind to see.
You're too fucking blind to see.
Shield your eyes so they're the last to go. They will go, they will be chewed and eaten and spat and shit. The beasts will shit your eyes out and they will ruin you, your eyes will ruin you.
The beasts in me run me, ran me, ran me over. Run me over with hate and heat and greed and need and want and want and want like fucking booze and drugs and sex, i fucking need need need need to feed the beasts with all. I feed the beast with heart, boiled, boiled heart, boil it in the blood and simmer it in the ink and drown you in the milky shit of my eyes, the shit behind my eyes that you can't see in my eyes my eyes my eyes have seen the beasts and stared the beasts and fed the beasts and starved the beasts and beaten the beasts.
My eyes will eat you. My heart will reject you, motherfucker.
Stay as far away as you can possibly get, motherfucker. The beasts will boil you in my blood, my blood will erode your skin and your eyes and I will eat your eyes for snacks and pop them in my mouth like grapes, motherfucker.
I will ruin you, the beasts will ruin you, we will ruin you, because we are one and the same, we live in these eyes and we live through these eyes and we feed through these eyes and these eyes will destroy the nothing you are.
The beasts feed on the nothing. I feed on the nothingness.
I feed on the dark, the light gone. The beasts feed on the light, when it's gone. They eat and eat and eat into the black hole, the black hole eats them and they eat it and they grow in strength by eating their own tails and hearts and claws.
Chewing on claws and biting the fur and tearing the flesh and that is the beast in my eyes.
And the beast in my eyes will eat me, stronger, I will eat it, stronger, it will eat you and shit you out onto yourself, motherfucker.
So here's my newest poem, and I'll be writing another today. I'll never be able to put myself and my heart and the things I see into words, but these are my best efforts at the time.
When the light is turned off, the light is gone, the light is dimmed and gone and done and has left you with yourself.
When the light is gone and left me with myself, I knew myself. I knew who I was, what I was, saw myself most clearly when the light was gone.
I saw the pit and the hole and the deep dark ocean that swallowed all me in ink and blood and milk.
The scent disgusts overwhelms hates. The ink hates the milk hates the blood hates hates hates it cooks the inside.
It boils the inside and cooks the heart, done, rough, tough.
A tough heart can't be cut, boil it you motherfucker
BOIL IN THE BLOOD
It's being naked in front of you, who will not run, will not turn, will not disappear. Hate is better than nothing. Hate is always better than anything. Hate me. Please. Look at me and hate me.
I thought he would be there, but I was so fuckin wrong, stupid, alone, BOIL IN THE BLOOD MOTHERFUCKER I FUCKING BOIL YOU
I FUCKING BOIL YOU
You weak piece of shit, weak shit, weak weak WEAK MOTHERFUCKER
the strong boil the weak, i fucking TERRIFY YOU WEAK SHIT
muscle and grit and dirt inside terrify you, grind you, grind your fucking eyes till you walk out you piece of shit.
I will grind your fucking eyes, I will boil you in the shit of my life, I will feed you to the beasts that live in my heart and my head and terrify me until they devour every part of who you used to be and what you could have been. I will boil you in the shit of my life, I will feed you to the beasts in my head.
I will FEED YOU TO THE BEASTS IN MY HEAD MOTHERFUCKER
Sass stands up, sits down, nothing. Sass - not even close. I have not spunk, not sass, not sweet, not sexy.
You're too blind to see.
You're too fucking blind to see.
Shield your eyes so they're the last to go. They will go, they will be chewed and eaten and spat and shit. The beasts will shit your eyes out and they will ruin you, your eyes will ruin you.
The beasts in me run me, ran me, ran me over. Run me over with hate and heat and greed and need and want and want and want like fucking booze and drugs and sex, i fucking need need need need to feed the beasts with all. I feed the beast with heart, boiled, boiled heart, boil it in the blood and simmer it in the ink and drown you in the milky shit of my eyes, the shit behind my eyes that you can't see in my eyes my eyes my eyes have seen the beasts and stared the beasts and fed the beasts and starved the beasts and beaten the beasts.
My eyes will eat you. My heart will reject you, motherfucker.
Stay as far away as you can possibly get, motherfucker. The beasts will boil you in my blood, my blood will erode your skin and your eyes and I will eat your eyes for snacks and pop them in my mouth like grapes, motherfucker.
I will ruin you, the beasts will ruin you, we will ruin you, because we are one and the same, we live in these eyes and we live through these eyes and we feed through these eyes and these eyes will destroy the nothing you are.
The beasts feed on the nothing. I feed on the nothingness.
I feed on the dark, the light gone. The beasts feed on the light, when it's gone. They eat and eat and eat into the black hole, the black hole eats them and they eat it and they grow in strength by eating their own tails and hearts and claws.
Chewing on claws and biting the fur and tearing the flesh and that is the beast in my eyes.
And the beast in my eyes will eat me, stronger, I will eat it, stronger, it will eat you and shit you out onto yourself, motherfucker.
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