i am clipping you out of my head

i am clipping you out of my head and trying not to let him take your place
because i already have a therapist

and i already have the drugs i need so much
and i am clipping you out my head and my heart and i love the feeling of these blades in my head
i love the feeling of th blades over my heart just enough to tease, just enough to make my toes curl

he made my toes curl, not by making me blind
but my touching me in the places where i am most beautiful, by touching the parts of me that everyone and anyone can see and not the places where i am hurt and damaged and in trouble those places are not where he touched he did not touch and will not touch those places...
but he made my toes curl, curl to get away from the way he made them curl, they curl to hide and run from everything he was showing me
i am terrified of everything he is showing me
he's a big person, yes, but his soul is even greater and it stifles me and it terrifies me and i need to take in a breath
so i must push him off and away and breathe again

until i need him to suffocate me so that i know i am alive and still feeling
and then is when he is sweetest of all, then is when he is hot in my mouth and my head and makes me dizzy
and he will once again make my toes curl and i will hate him for it just like i hate him now