I've been gone for a year and a half now

I've been gone for a year and a half now
and it was during my absence that you fell for me

but when i came back, i was an unwelcome house guest
a third-wheel in-law in my own relationship.

never will i be me to you,
your vision is so sadly distorted by the shit that your father has fed you for dreams
the shit he has fed you for dreams that
demote me
that demote my pain and the scars
and the real honest-to-fuck pain

because fucking is so much more raw than god will ever be to me.

so, thank you, mr. j
for creating a smaller version of yourself
attracted to damaged women
but not inclined to help clean up

and bless you, mrs. j
for folding up your own wounds
and licking them clean
while picking up the shit that three little boys make
and calling that a life.

your determination to forget will always inspire me to remember.

and i will love you more each day, because i see in you the pain in me and i want nothing more than to hug it away.
because i know, no son of yours will ever see his mother the way that i can.

so i put pen to paper and called it a note
sealed away my hopes that you would not hate me
sent it to you and have yet to hear back
and i will leave it at that.

my hand is still there for you to hold.