The maybes of you and me
paralyze me
and pin me to my sheets
in tears.
I haven't felt this afraid in a long time
which means
I haven't been this honest
in just as long.
I may not feel safe
but I don't feel unsafe
and that's the first step, I suppose.
I'm not asking you to make any promises to me
but
I will humbly ask you
to tread lightly
if you don't intend to stay here.
Because the best of your intentions
might make it hurt less
but real love
takes chances.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
nothing
I guess I'm done writing for the night.
That was exhausting.
and quiet.
but it's never over, is it?
and I guess I'm not broken,
if I'm meant to be this way.
That was exhausting.
and quiet.
but it's never over, is it?
and I guess I'm not broken,
if I'm meant to be this way.
AIM Conversation #645
There are some parts of my I'll always hate
those demons I may defeat
but keep around
just to remind myself
I've beaten them.
he tells me
i've overcome
(lie)
i'm hard
(lie)
i'm cold
(lie)
i never loved you.
that last one isn't a lie
because it's hard to be in love
with a broken girl and her demons,
isn't it?
those demons I may defeat
but keep around
just to remind myself
I've beaten them.
he tells me
i've overcome
(lie)
i'm hard
(lie)
i'm cold
(lie)
i never loved you.
that last one isn't a lie
because it's hard to be in love
with a broken girl and her demons,
isn't it?
You shouldn't read this
I didn't move
because I was busy not thinking;
if he had touched my mind
I wouldn't be around here today to tell you this.
Down for the count,
and not getting up until they ring that bell,
I just can't see myself standing with these knees.
it's imprisonment and
throwing away the key to those places
you could have gone,
it's doing what you have to
to get through,
it's letting him lie next to you
and throwing up in your mouth
and knowing nothing will ever feel good again.
At least not in this body.
because I was busy not thinking;
if he had touched my mind
I wouldn't be around here today to tell you this.
Down for the count,
and not getting up until they ring that bell,
I just can't see myself standing with these knees.
it's imprisonment and
throwing away the key to those places
you could have gone,
it's doing what you have to
to get through,
it's letting him lie next to you
and throwing up in your mouth
and knowing nothing will ever feel good again.
At least not in this body.
Breakfast
you only came in for the coffee
you tell me
as your well-formed arm reaches over my open notebook.
Your hands are empty, I see.
Something other than you
has got to fill my lungs
something other than
your proximity
the waves floating off your skin
the beams glancing off those eyes
has got to walk through that door.
and if it doesn't,
i might leave this place with you.
abusing a body that has already been there before
doesn't feel as bad as it used to.
after all,
what does it matter who shits where I eat when
i've lost count already.
you tell me
as your well-formed arm reaches over my open notebook.
Your hands are empty, I see.
Something other than you
has got to fill my lungs
something other than
your proximity
the waves floating off your skin
the beams glancing off those eyes
has got to walk through that door.
and if it doesn't,
i might leave this place with you.
abusing a body that has already been there before
doesn't feel as bad as it used to.
after all,
what does it matter who shits where I eat when
i've lost count already.
My Lai
gate keeper
memory seeker
chasing solace through barren lands
they've already come through here with their flame throwers.
there are no wombs left to bear anyone any hope.
my opus may not be drawn
on the blank canvas you've left
stretched over that gaping hole in chest
but it will come.
I will write those wombs
I will speak that hope.
I will plant stories in the land where my father died.
memory seeker
chasing solace through barren lands
they've already come through here with their flame throwers.
there are no wombs left to bear anyone any hope.
my opus may not be drawn
on the blank canvas you've left
stretched over that gaping hole in chest
but it will come.
I will write those wombs
I will speak that hope.
I will plant stories in the land where my father died.
T.A.V, or the man who cried on my shoulder once
Some of these things are better left.
It's all a path
and that path starts somewhere
in down-home houses with fields behind.
No beauty comes without a price tag,
and this is mine.
Running the gauntlet
was more like
curling up on the floor
when you're ten
and those hands are so big.
Only so many places to hide
from he who is hiding the past.
No one expected you to swallow it all,
and when you tried
we all watched in pain
as it came back up all over our nice little dinner.
Table settings and curtains can't hide
the ways you try to leave that country
that left you.
The real lesson here is that war never ends.
Because I'm still fighting it for you.
It's all a path
and that path starts somewhere
in down-home houses with fields behind.
No beauty comes without a price tag,
and this is mine.
Running the gauntlet
was more like
curling up on the floor
when you're ten
and those hands are so big.
Only so many places to hide
from he who is hiding the past.
No one expected you to swallow it all,
and when you tried
we all watched in pain
as it came back up all over our nice little dinner.
Table settings and curtains can't hide
the ways you try to leave that country
that left you.
The real lesson here is that war never ends.
Because I'm still fighting it for you.
First pack of the night
this glass-bottle-green ashtray
sits on the edge of my table
seasoned with the ashes of my mistakes,
my old flames burnt out with a flick of my wrist
and gone up in smoke
over that pack of Camels in my sleeve.
Red-mouthed lipstick proof of
a failure to remain tame
mocks my feeble attempts to maintain.
Maintain.
maintain.
Tell-tale nothings tell tall tales of
daddy didn'ts and
hard-hitting lessons
and
schooling in that 'Nam shit.
No amount of ashes fill my cup
Even so, I'll try
to smother out that past
without choking on my own lies.
sits on the edge of my table
seasoned with the ashes of my mistakes,
my old flames burnt out with a flick of my wrist
and gone up in smoke
over that pack of Camels in my sleeve.
Red-mouthed lipstick proof of
a failure to remain tame
mocks my feeble attempts to maintain.
Maintain.
maintain.
Tell-tale nothings tell tall tales of
daddy didn'ts and
hard-hitting lessons
and
schooling in that 'Nam shit.
No amount of ashes fill my cup
Even so, I'll try
to smother out that past
without choking on my own lies.
PhD in Him - Vanessa Hidary
if i counted up all the hours
i'd studied
read
focused on
fucked
sucked
cried over
cried over
gotten up and been resilient about
not given up on
believed in
loved
hated
so believed in
ignored my friends advice about
talked about
talked about
did i mention talked about?
I'd have a PhD in him.
By now, I could have had a PhD
in Philosophy,
Internal Medicine,
Middle Eastern Studies,
Stem Cell Research.
But no, I have a PhD in Him.
Funny how he brings me no income,
no pension,
no future,
no future,
did I mention no future?
And so don't ask me what I did this year
I didn't write any plays or any books
I didn't do some responsible shit like
pursue a backup career.
I was fully employed in the fury of him
graduated valedictorian at the tippy top of my class
magna cum fucking laude
and a waste of fucking time
hours upon hours
spent figuring out his equations
riddles
word problems
crossword puzzles
treatment
cracking his codes
philosophising his constitution
over wine
vodka
vodka
oh, did I mention vodka?
So quiz me
I know him better than he knows himself.
I'm that matriculated doctorate ho
paid full tuition at his All-About-Him University
Ladies have you visited?
See, now I'm licensed to teach and preach
sparing my pride
in hopes that other women will read my dissertation
See, I have a PhD in Him
and my transcript is rolling off my wicked tongue.
Not sure of how my most difficult degree might serve me
but think one day I'll thank him
for reminding me how fierce a pupil of life
I really am.
i'd studied
read
focused on
fucked
sucked
cried over
cried over
gotten up and been resilient about
not given up on
believed in
loved
hated
so believed in
ignored my friends advice about
talked about
talked about
did i mention talked about?
I'd have a PhD in him.
By now, I could have had a PhD
in Philosophy,
Internal Medicine,
Middle Eastern Studies,
Stem Cell Research.
But no, I have a PhD in Him.
Funny how he brings me no income,
no pension,
no future,
no future,
did I mention no future?
And so don't ask me what I did this year
I didn't write any plays or any books
I didn't do some responsible shit like
pursue a backup career.
I was fully employed in the fury of him
graduated valedictorian at the tippy top of my class
magna cum fucking laude
and a waste of fucking time
hours upon hours
spent figuring out his equations
riddles
word problems
crossword puzzles
treatment
cracking his codes
philosophising his constitution
over wine
vodka
vodka
oh, did I mention vodka?
So quiz me
I know him better than he knows himself.
I'm that matriculated doctorate ho
paid full tuition at his All-About-Him University
Ladies have you visited?
See, now I'm licensed to teach and preach
sparing my pride
in hopes that other women will read my dissertation
See, I have a PhD in Him
and my transcript is rolling off my wicked tongue.
Not sure of how my most difficult degree might serve me
but think one day I'll thank him
for reminding me how fierce a pupil of life
I really am.
Zen 101 v. 4
Flower Shower
Subhuti was Buddha's disciple. He was able to understand the potency of emptiness, the viewpoint that nothing exists except in its relationship of subjectivity and objectivity.
One day Subhuti, in a mood of sublime emptiness, was sitting under a tree. Flowers began to fall about him.
"We are praising you for your discourse on emptiness," the gods whispered to him.
"But I have not spoken of emptiness," said Subhuti.
"You have not spoken of emptiness, we have not heard emptiness," responded the gods. "This is true emptiness." And blossoms showered upon Subhuto as rain.
Subhuti was Buddha's disciple. He was able to understand the potency of emptiness, the viewpoint that nothing exists except in its relationship of subjectivity and objectivity.
One day Subhuti, in a mood of sublime emptiness, was sitting under a tree. Flowers began to fall about him.
"We are praising you for your discourse on emptiness," the gods whispered to him.
"But I have not spoken of emptiness," said Subhuti.
"You have not spoken of emptiness, we have not heard emptiness," responded the gods. "This is true emptiness." And blossoms showered upon Subhuto as rain.
Zen 101 v. 3
The Giver Should Be Thankful
While Seietsu was the master of Engaku in Kamakura he required larger quarters, since those in which he was teaching were overcrowded. Umeza Seibei a merchant of Edo, decided to donate five hundred pieces of gold called ryo toward the construction of a more commodious school. This money he brought to the teacher.
Seisetsu said: "All right. I will take it."
Umezu gave Seisetsu the sack of gold, but he was dissatisfied with the attitude of the teacher. One might live a whole year on three ryo, and the merchant had not even been thanked for five hundred.
"In that sack are five hundred ryo," hinted Umeza.
"You told me that before," replied Seisetsu.
"Even if I am a wealthy merchant, five hundred ryo is a lot of money," said Umezu.
"Do you want me to thank you for it?" asked Seisetsi.
"You ought to," replied Umeza.
"Why should I?" inquired Seisetsu. "The giver should be thankful."
While Seietsu was the master of Engaku in Kamakura he required larger quarters, since those in which he was teaching were overcrowded. Umeza Seibei a merchant of Edo, decided to donate five hundred pieces of gold called ryo toward the construction of a more commodious school. This money he brought to the teacher.
Seisetsu said: "All right. I will take it."
Umezu gave Seisetsu the sack of gold, but he was dissatisfied with the attitude of the teacher. One might live a whole year on three ryo, and the merchant had not even been thanked for five hundred.
"In that sack are five hundred ryo," hinted Umeza.
"You told me that before," replied Seisetsu.
"Even if I am a wealthy merchant, five hundred ryo is a lot of money," said Umezu.
"Do you want me to thank you for it?" asked Seisetsi.
"You ought to," replied Umeza.
"Why should I?" inquired Seisetsu. "The giver should be thankful."
Zen 101 v. 2
Zengetsu, a Chinese master of the T'ang dynasty, wrote the following advice for his pupils:
Living in the world yet not forming attachments to the dust of the world is the way of a true Zen student.
When witnessing the good action of another encourage yourself to follow his example. Hearing of the mistaken action of another, advise yourself not to emulate it.
Even though alone in a dark room, be as if you were facing a noble guest. Express your feelings, but become no more expressive than your true nature.
Poverty is your treasure. Never exchange it for an easy life.
A person may appear a fool and yet not be one. He may only be guarding his wisdom carefully.
Virtues are the fruit of self-discipline and do not drop from heaven of themselves as does rain or snow.
Modesty is the foundation of all virtues. Let your neighbors discover you before you make yourself known to them.
A noble heart never forces itself forward. Its words are as rare gems, seldom displayed and of great value.
To a sincere student, every day is a fortunate day. Time passes but he never lags behind. Neither glory nor shame can move him.
Censure yourself, never another. Do not discuss right and wrong.
Some things, though right, were considered wrong for generations. Since the value of righteousness may be recognized after centuries, there is no need to crave immediate appreciation.
Live with cause and leave results to the great law of the universe. Pass each day in peaceful contemplation.
Living in the world yet not forming attachments to the dust of the world is the way of a true Zen student.
When witnessing the good action of another encourage yourself to follow his example. Hearing of the mistaken action of another, advise yourself not to emulate it.
Even though alone in a dark room, be as if you were facing a noble guest. Express your feelings, but become no more expressive than your true nature.
Poverty is your treasure. Never exchange it for an easy life.
A person may appear a fool and yet not be one. He may only be guarding his wisdom carefully.
Virtues are the fruit of self-discipline and do not drop from heaven of themselves as does rain or snow.
Modesty is the foundation of all virtues. Let your neighbors discover you before you make yourself known to them.
A noble heart never forces itself forward. Its words are as rare gems, seldom displayed and of great value.
To a sincere student, every day is a fortunate day. Time passes but he never lags behind. Neither glory nor shame can move him.
Censure yourself, never another. Do not discuss right and wrong.
Some things, though right, were considered wrong for generations. Since the value of righteousness may be recognized after centuries, there is no need to crave immediate appreciation.
Live with cause and leave results to the great law of the universe. Pass each day in peaceful contemplation.
Zen 101
Soyen Shaku, the first Zen teacher to come to America, said: "My heart burns like fire but my eyes are as cold as dead ashes." He made the following rules which he practiced every day of his life.
* In the morning before dressing, light incense and meditate.
* Retire at a regular hour. Partake of food at regular intervals. Eat with moderation and never to the point of satisfaction.
* Receive a guest with the same attitude you have when alone. When alone, maintain the same attitude you have in receiving guests.
* Watch what you say, and whatever you say, practice it.
* When an opportunity comes do not let it pass you by, yet always think twice before acting.
* Do not regret the past. Look to the future.
* Have the fearless attitude of a hero and the loving heart of a child.
* Upon retiring, sleep as if you had entered your last sleep. Upon awakening, leave your bed behind you instantly as if you had cast away a pair of old shoes.
* In the morning before dressing, light incense and meditate.
* Retire at a regular hour. Partake of food at regular intervals. Eat with moderation and never to the point of satisfaction.
* Receive a guest with the same attitude you have when alone. When alone, maintain the same attitude you have in receiving guests.
* Watch what you say, and whatever you say, practice it.
* When an opportunity comes do not let it pass you by, yet always think twice before acting.
* Do not regret the past. Look to the future.
* Have the fearless attitude of a hero and the loving heart of a child.
* Upon retiring, sleep as if you had entered your last sleep. Upon awakening, leave your bed behind you instantly as if you had cast away a pair of old shoes.
Articles catch my eye when stumbling...
It's A Crisis
By Salamishah Tillet | TheRoot.com
April 10, 2008 -- Given the staggeringly high incidence of sexual violence in black communities it is fair to ask why this problem has not risen to the level of a crisis in the public consciousness
Perhaps one of the truest and most tragic lines in American film is spoken by the character Yellow Mary in Julie Dash's Daughters of the Dust(1991) when she sadly declares that "the rape of the colored woman is as common as fish in the sea." As a rape survivor, I speak on behalf of the 1 in 4 women who will experience sexual assault in her lifetime.
Moreover, since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I hope to bring awareness to the fact that even though African-American women make up about 7% of the U.S. population, we currently constitute 18.8% to 28% of the reported sexual assault victims. These women are ,and have always been, our grandmothers,our daughters, our partners. And our friends.
Given the staggering statistics, I cannot help but wonder why this pandemic does not constitute a crisis within both African-American communities and the larger American body politic. African-American women have consistently spoken out against social ills such as the War in Iraq and racial injustices experienced by black men -- from lynching to police brutality to racial profiling.
And yet, they have had to confront their own experiences with race and gender-related sexual violence without the support of many African-American leaders. Today, most rapes are intra-racial. The vast majority of rape victims, almost ninety-percent, report that a member of their same racial or ethnic group sexually assaulted them.
Unfortunately, because many African-American female rape victims do not want to perpetuate racial stereotypes about the black male rapist (created and used by white mobs to justify the lynching of economically and politically mobile black men) and the black male criminal (now used to maintain racial disparities in the criminal justice system), they often do not press charges against their assailants because they fear further criminalizing African-American men.
Like most rape victims, many African-American women understand that public disbelief, sexual double standards, and sexist stereotypes such as the "gold-digger" will greet their accusations of rape. But even more egregiously, African-American women know that they risk being labeled a race traitor by some who view their actions as airing "dirty laundry."
And yet, there is a long tradition of African-American women speaking out about sexual violence, and mixing their anti-rape discourse with anti-racist activism. In 1866, a group of African-American women testified before Congress about white mobs who sexually assaulted them during the infamous Memphis race riots. Following suit, African-American activist and journalist Ida B. Wells-Barnett continually linked her anti-lynching crusade with her clarion call to end sexual violence.
Today, we can turn to African-American women novelists such as Alice Walker and Toni Morrison, entertainers such as Oprah Winfrey and Gabrielle Union, writers such as Charlotte Pierce-Baker's Surviving the Silence(2000) and Lori Robinson's I Will Survive (2003) to locate models of anti-rape activism.
We should look at filmmaker Aishah Shahidah Simmons's groundbreaking film NO! The Rape Documentary which details the history of African-American women and sexual violence and watch photographer Scheherazade Tillet's [Full disclosure: She's my sister] multimedia performance SOARS (Story of A Rape Survivor) which brilliantly uses the visual and performing arts to document the journey of recovering from and healing after rape.
In order to end the sexual violence experienced by African-American women, we need to recognize sexual abuse as one of the most important issues facing black America today. We need to encourage and include the voices of African-American women in mainstream activism against rape. And we need ensure that our demands for political and racial justice include calls for an end to sexism, sexual violence and homophobia. Until we begin supporting and believing African-American rape victims, we will always be engaged in a half-hearted fight for racial equality.
Salamishah Tillet is Assistant Professor of English at the University of Pennsylvania and co-founder of the non-profit organization, A Long Walk Home, Inc., which uses art therapy and the visual and performing arts to document and to end violence against underserved women and children.
By Salamishah Tillet | TheRoot.com
April 10, 2008 -- Given the staggeringly high incidence of sexual violence in black communities it is fair to ask why this problem has not risen to the level of a crisis in the public consciousness
Perhaps one of the truest and most tragic lines in American film is spoken by the character Yellow Mary in Julie Dash's Daughters of the Dust(1991) when she sadly declares that "the rape of the colored woman is as common as fish in the sea." As a rape survivor, I speak on behalf of the 1 in 4 women who will experience sexual assault in her lifetime.
Moreover, since April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, I hope to bring awareness to the fact that even though African-American women make up about 7% of the U.S. population, we currently constitute 18.8% to 28% of the reported sexual assault victims. These women are ,and have always been, our grandmothers,our daughters, our partners. And our friends.
Given the staggering statistics, I cannot help but wonder why this pandemic does not constitute a crisis within both African-American communities and the larger American body politic. African-American women have consistently spoken out against social ills such as the War in Iraq and racial injustices experienced by black men -- from lynching to police brutality to racial profiling.
And yet, they have had to confront their own experiences with race and gender-related sexual violence without the support of many African-American leaders. Today, most rapes are intra-racial. The vast majority of rape victims, almost ninety-percent, report that a member of their same racial or ethnic group sexually assaulted them.
Unfortunately, because many African-American female rape victims do not want to perpetuate racial stereotypes about the black male rapist (created and used by white mobs to justify the lynching of economically and politically mobile black men) and the black male criminal (now used to maintain racial disparities in the criminal justice system), they often do not press charges against their assailants because they fear further criminalizing African-American men.
Like most rape victims, many African-American women understand that public disbelief, sexual double standards, and sexist stereotypes such as the "gold-digger" will greet their accusations of rape. But even more egregiously, African-American women know that they risk being labeled a race traitor by some who view their actions as airing "dirty laundry."
And yet, there is a long tradition of African-American women speaking out about sexual violence, and mixing their anti-rape discourse with anti-racist activism. In 1866, a group of African-American women testified before Congress about white mobs who sexually assaulted them during the infamous Memphis race riots. Following suit, African-American activist and journalist Ida B. Wells-Barnett continually linked her anti-lynching crusade with her clarion call to end sexual violence.
Today, we can turn to African-American women novelists such as Alice Walker and Toni Morrison, entertainers such as Oprah Winfrey and Gabrielle Union, writers such as Charlotte Pierce-Baker's Surviving the Silence(2000) and Lori Robinson's I Will Survive (2003) to locate models of anti-rape activism.
We should look at filmmaker Aishah Shahidah Simmons's groundbreaking film NO! The Rape Documentary which details the history of African-American women and sexual violence and watch photographer Scheherazade Tillet's [Full disclosure: She's my sister] multimedia performance SOARS (Story of A Rape Survivor) which brilliantly uses the visual and performing arts to document the journey of recovering from and healing after rape.
In order to end the sexual violence experienced by African-American women, we need to recognize sexual abuse as one of the most important issues facing black America today. We need to encourage and include the voices of African-American women in mainstream activism against rape. And we need ensure that our demands for political and racial justice include calls for an end to sexism, sexual violence and homophobia. Until we begin supporting and believing African-American rape victims, we will always be engaged in a half-hearted fight for racial equality.
Salamishah Tillet is Assistant Professor of English at the University of Pennsylvania and co-founder of the non-profit organization, A Long Walk Home, Inc., which uses art therapy and the visual and performing arts to document and to end violence against underserved women and children.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
So the letter in my dream said...
Here's to wishing I could wake up next to you. I'll be missing you while I'm gone, baby.
(a bunch of stuff I don't remember)
Nothing bewitches me more than your eyes at night. I've been meaning to tell you that I love you.
(Apparently in my dream, this was the first time the "L" word was mentioned, so it was a big deal.)
Tony, I know you're reading this - if you freak out, I'll kill you. lol. jk. But seriously, Katie's dad can help us get rid of your body.
tehehehe
Anyway, I just want you to remember that this is my imagination or my subconscious and I don't want you to take it too seriously - because I'm not. I know you don't love me. That doesn't bother me. lol.
(a bunch of stuff I don't remember)
Nothing bewitches me more than your eyes at night. I've been meaning to tell you that I love you.
(Apparently in my dream, this was the first time the "L" word was mentioned, so it was a big deal.)
Tony, I know you're reading this - if you freak out, I'll kill you. lol. jk. But seriously, Katie's dad can help us get rid of your body.
tehehehe
Anyway, I just want you to remember that this is my imagination or my subconscious and I don't want you to take it too seriously - because I'm not. I know you don't love me. That doesn't bother me. lol.
Monday, June 9, 2008
Phantom Treasure - Discover America
Why does your shape attract my eye?
Is it the chemistry of our young bodies prodding us in such hot pursuit of a lie?
We chase a quickly fading phantom.
Treasure baby!
If that is so, then one day it shall go.
Disappearing as a layer of week-old melting snow.
This human heart is never clear.
It's half filled up with wonder, and the other half with fear.
Is it the chemistry of our young bodies prodding us in such hot pursuit of a lie?
We chase a quickly fading phantom.
Treasure baby!
If that is so, then one day it shall go.
Disappearing as a layer of week-old melting snow.
This human heart is never clear.
It's half filled up with wonder, and the other half with fear.
Green Eyes - Discover America
You've got the biggest green eyes they've ever seen
And in that red dress
There's no contest
You're the prettiest one around
And you reach down in your purse to check your phone
And already there's five guys trying to light it
When they realize
That everybody wants to know your name
And they're just thinking of the perfect words to break the ice
But every time it's just in vain
Cause you're not impressed
But you're so polite
I know I'm not the sharpest knife you've ever seen
I don't have the clothes
I don't have the hair
I know whats going on and I'm self aware
And for some weird reason
That meens more to you
Than what any two bit scene kid could say to you
Cause everybody wants to know your name
And they're just thinking of the perfect words to break the ice
But every time it's just in vain
Cause you're not impressed
But you're so polite
And in that red dress
There's no contest
You're the prettiest one around
And you reach down in your purse to check your phone
And already there's five guys trying to light it
When they realize
That everybody wants to know your name
And they're just thinking of the perfect words to break the ice
But every time it's just in vain
Cause you're not impressed
But you're so polite
I know I'm not the sharpest knife you've ever seen
I don't have the clothes
I don't have the hair
I know whats going on and I'm self aware
And for some weird reason
That meens more to you
Than what any two bit scene kid could say to you
Cause everybody wants to know your name
And they're just thinking of the perfect words to break the ice
But every time it's just in vain
Cause you're not impressed
But you're so polite
I want...
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me
[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Yeah
You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon let's try
[Chorus]
Am I crazy for wanting you?
Maybe do you think you could want me too?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do?
I just wanna know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide
[Chorus]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Ooooooo
Beautiful Soul, yeah
Oooooo, yeah
Your beautiful soul
Yeah
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
I know that you are something special
To you I'd be always faithful
I want to be what you always needed
Then I hope you'll see the heart in me
[Chorus:]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I wont let another minute go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Yeah
You might need time to think it over
But I'm just fine moving forward
I'll ease your mind
If you give me the chance
I will never make you cry c`mon let's try
[Chorus]
Am I crazy for wanting you?
Maybe do you think you could want me too?
I don't wanna waste your time
Do you see things the way I do?
I just wanna know that you feel it too
There is nothing left to hide
[Chorus]
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
You're the one I wanna chase
You're the one I wanna hold
I won't let another minute go to waste
I want you and your soul
I don't want another pretty face
I don't want just anyone to hold
I don't want my love to go to waste
I want you and your beautiful soul
Ooooooo
Beautiful Soul, yeah
Oooooo, yeah
Your beautiful soul
Yeah
Friday, June 6, 2008
I wanted to write today...
I wanted to write today before I took a shower, but an old friend from high school sent me a message online. We had fallen out of touch but I still love her dearly as a good friend (and a great person). She said she needed someone to talk to, some guidance for some MAJOR life decisions. She had been having a really hard time with her health (mental health) and school. Basically, her world that she planned was just crumbling before her eyes.
I don't know what it is that made her ask ME, but I am so humbled and glad that she did.
After having gone through the assault, the aftermath, the police, Student Services, the Health Center (and two shrinks), one prescription, changing my other meds to make my anti-depressants work, my grades, school, speech, my parents, etc...
It has toughened me.
This has all happened SINCE high school, so that's what surprises me. I understand if a current friend comes to me for advice - they've seen me at my worst AND at my best, and know that I've got a good head on my shoulders.
But she doesn't know any of that. She just remembered the friend she had back in high school that was able to listen when she needed it.
I told her to follow her heart, to really look inside herself before making these decisions. I explained a little about how I am very much in a similar boat, and what my plan is. I don't know if any of my words will matter to her, but her asking me for help and advice mattered to me. Very, very much.
It reminded me that friends are so very important and that having a real connection with someone is the most precious gift we get (after enlightenment, that is. But that one is way more elusive). It reminded me that I am strong, and there's something within me that other people see that I am unaware of. Idk what she saw in me when she wrote that message, but I'm flattered and humbled and grateful.
So, thank you, friend. You made a day of writing for my own pleasure into a day of gratitude, happiness, and friendship.
All my love to you and the best of luck.
I don't know what it is that made her ask ME, but I am so humbled and glad that she did.
After having gone through the assault, the aftermath, the police, Student Services, the Health Center (and two shrinks), one prescription, changing my other meds to make my anti-depressants work, my grades, school, speech, my parents, etc...
It has toughened me.
This has all happened SINCE high school, so that's what surprises me. I understand if a current friend comes to me for advice - they've seen me at my worst AND at my best, and know that I've got a good head on my shoulders.
But she doesn't know any of that. She just remembered the friend she had back in high school that was able to listen when she needed it.
I told her to follow her heart, to really look inside herself before making these decisions. I explained a little about how I am very much in a similar boat, and what my plan is. I don't know if any of my words will matter to her, but her asking me for help and advice mattered to me. Very, very much.
It reminded me that friends are so very important and that having a real connection with someone is the most precious gift we get (after enlightenment, that is. But that one is way more elusive). It reminded me that I am strong, and there's something within me that other people see that I am unaware of. Idk what she saw in me when she wrote that message, but I'm flattered and humbled and grateful.
So, thank you, friend. You made a day of writing for my own pleasure into a day of gratitude, happiness, and friendship.
All my love to you and the best of luck.
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Caught my eye
Archive
I Am Learning To Abandon the World
by Linda Pastan
I am learning to abandon the world
before it can abandon me.
Already I have given up the moon
and snow, closing my shades
against the claims of white.
And the world has taken
my father, my friends.
I have given up melodic lines of hills,
moving to a flat, tuneless landscape.
And every night I give my body up
limb by limb, working upwards
across bone, towards the heart.
But morning comes with small
reprieves of coffee and birdsong.
A tree outside the window
which was simply shadow moments ago
takes back its branches twig
by leafy twig.
And as I take my body back
the sun lays its warm muzzle on my lap
as if to make amends.
I Am Learning To Abandon the World
by Linda Pastan
I am learning to abandon the world
before it can abandon me.
Already I have given up the moon
and snow, closing my shades
against the claims of white.
And the world has taken
my father, my friends.
I have given up melodic lines of hills,
moving to a flat, tuneless landscape.
And every night I give my body up
limb by limb, working upwards
across bone, towards the heart.
But morning comes with small
reprieves of coffee and birdsong.
A tree outside the window
which was simply shadow moments ago
takes back its branches twig
by leafy twig.
And as I take my body back
the sun lays its warm muzzle on my lap
as if to make amends.
Sunday, June 1, 2008
I'm not there yet!
Watch the sunrise
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road
Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go, oh no
Chorus:
I know, I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
But can they keep it
Oh no, they can't
I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are
Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe of beads of sweat
Slowly you say "I'm not there yet!"
Chorus 2X
Say your goodbyes
Off we go
Some conversation
No contemplation
Hit the road
Car overheats
Jump out of my seat
On the side of the highway baby
Our road is long
Your hold is strong
Please don't ever let go, oh no
Chorus:
I know, I don't know you
But I want you so bad
Everyone has a secret
But can they keep it
Oh no, they can't
I'm driving fast now
Don't think I know how to go slow
Where you at now
I feel around
There you are
Cool these engines
Calm these jets
I ask you how hot can it get
And as you wipe of beads of sweat
Slowly you say "I'm not there yet!"
Chorus 2X
Some of my favorite lyrics...
You are the light that's leading me to the place where I find peace again...
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything...
And how can I stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
And you tell me,
How could it be any better than this?
"Everything" - Lifehouse
I just want to love you
But you want to wear my ring
But there's nothing I can do
I've been looking for a girl like you.
You can call me a fool
I only want to be with you.
"I Only Want to Be With You" - Hootie and the Blowfish
U don't have 2 be beautiful
2 turn me on
I just need your body baby
From dusk till dawn
U don't need experience
2 turn me out
U just leave it all up 2 me
I'm gonna show u what it's all about
U don't have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U don't have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss
U got to not talk dirty, baby
If u wanna impress me
U can't be 2 flirty, mama
I know how 2 undress me (Yeah)
I want 2 be your fantasy
Maybe u could be mine
U just leave it all up to me
We could have a good time
U don't have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U don't have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss
Yes
I think I wanna dance
Gotta, Gotta
Little girl Wendy's parade
Gotta, gotta, gotta
Women not girls rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)
Not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl
U don't have 2 watch Dynasty
2 have an attitude
U just leave it all up 2 me
My love will be your food
Yeah
U don't have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U don't have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss
"Kiss" - Prince
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything...
And how can I stand here with you
and not be moved by you?
And you tell me,
How could it be any better than this?
"Everything" - Lifehouse
I just want to love you
But you want to wear my ring
But there's nothing I can do
I've been looking for a girl like you.
You can call me a fool
I only want to be with you.
"I Only Want to Be With You" - Hootie and the Blowfish
U don't have 2 be beautiful
2 turn me on
I just need your body baby
From dusk till dawn
U don't need experience
2 turn me out
U just leave it all up 2 me
I'm gonna show u what it's all about
U don't have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U don't have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss
U got to not talk dirty, baby
If u wanna impress me
U can't be 2 flirty, mama
I know how 2 undress me (Yeah)
I want 2 be your fantasy
Maybe u could be mine
U just leave it all up to me
We could have a good time
U don't have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U don't have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss
Yes
I think I wanna dance
Gotta, Gotta
Little girl Wendy's parade
Gotta, gotta, gotta
Women not girls rule my world
I said they rule my world
Act your age, mama (Not your shoe size)
Not your shoe size
Maybe we could do the twirl
U don't have 2 watch Dynasty
2 have an attitude
U just leave it all up 2 me
My love will be your food
Yeah
U don't have 2 be rich
2 be my girl
U don't have 2 be cool
2 rule my world
Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with
I just want your extra time and your
Kiss
"Kiss" - Prince
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