and i never thought of it this way but
when you pushed me so hard to run away
it was really your way of finding out
if i was there to stay
and when you saw that i was
you too
wanted more.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
maybe...
you said you want to have
a real relationship
instead of this exchange of facades we now currently share
and
i just wanted to say now, before this all goes down...
you are dear to me.
you are a fantastic friend,
wonderful in many ways.
i hope you will be able to see the wonderful in me
after i peel away these layers
like so many clothes you have peeled away before.
and maybe you can love me
like no one else.
and maybe that love is the love i've been looking for.
maybe.
i just wanted to put that out there, before you hear things from my lips
that can't return to them once they're out.
a real relationship
instead of this exchange of facades we now currently share
and
i just wanted to say now, before this all goes down...
you are dear to me.
you are a fantastic friend,
wonderful in many ways.
i hope you will be able to see the wonderful in me
after i peel away these layers
like so many clothes you have peeled away before.
and maybe you can love me
like no one else.
and maybe that love is the love i've been looking for.
maybe.
i just wanted to put that out there, before you hear things from my lips
that can't return to them once they're out.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
This thing I'm doing Friday
This thing I'm doing Friday is
scary and daring
and ballsy with my stomach twisting into
yes
and
please
and let's not hope
because hope is the life in me
and the same poison that curses me.
maybe your lips tonight
will speak to mine
and share that same bitter language
they know too well for friends.
scary and daring
and ballsy with my stomach twisting into
yes
and
please
and let's not hope
because hope is the life in me
and the same poison that curses me.
maybe your lips tonight
will speak to mine
and share that same bitter language
they know too well for friends.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Ode to My Roommate
To My Roommate
Who sniffles and snaffles at her desk
Shuffling her feet along and slippering her way to bed
To My Roommate
who catches the death and sneezes it at every turn
Who sleeps and snores while ill.
Please get better and
as mom said,
chicken noodle soup...
Who sniffles and snaffles at her desk
Shuffling her feet along and slippering her way to bed
To My Roommate
who catches the death and sneezes it at every turn
Who sleeps and snores while ill.
Please get better and
as mom said,
chicken noodle soup...
Friday, February 15, 2008
On Valentine's Day (a poem I wrote previously)
to you -
with blue eyes full of rain.
with hearts unknown
in size and underestimated in numbers.
to you -
with fingers light and nimble
on my features
threading your way into my soul
relentless and cruel
Warm lips to warm lips
and skin that twists and turns
rising to meet you.
To you-
who bursts through doors
and breaks walls with fists
and destroys the former five senses
implying a 7th and an 8th...
to you -
who pops away the seams
holding together my perfect world.
In all my love and frustration...
When I wake up and
feel you warm next to me
in the early morning
my eyes smile beneath my lids
and I am certain you can hear my contented sigh.
No one but you,
not even the clouds,
is big enough to hold my face in one hand.
with blue eyes full of rain.
with hearts unknown
in size and underestimated in numbers.
to you -
with fingers light and nimble
on my features
threading your way into my soul
relentless and cruel
Warm lips to warm lips
and skin that twists and turns
rising to meet you.
To you-
who bursts through doors
and breaks walls with fists
and destroys the former five senses
implying a 7th and an 8th...
to you -
who pops away the seams
holding together my perfect world.
In all my love and frustration...
When I wake up and
feel you warm next to me
in the early morning
my eyes smile beneath my lids
and I am certain you can hear my contented sigh.
No one but you,
not even the clouds,
is big enough to hold my face in one hand.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Affable Hippie
to me, explains the cost
of the ring on my finger.
i sigh and twist my mouth,
hoping to get something
some deal
and am disappointed by my
failure to do so.
w. says, let me.
and buys the ring for my finger
i run and leave this precious
silver-glass slipper behind.
With eyes that have seen
and followed certain
paths to wisdom,
an open-heart
a hippie says to w.
she had the soul of souls -
seen in her eyes and the beauty
she IS beauty and is even more beautiful
simply because she is unaware of that fact.
and I blush and swoon
and hope to hear those words
someday
myself, from a man
in love.
of the ring on my finger.
i sigh and twist my mouth,
hoping to get something
some deal
and am disappointed by my
failure to do so.
w. says, let me.
and buys the ring for my finger
i run and leave this precious
silver-glass slipper behind.
With eyes that have seen
and followed certain
paths to wisdom,
an open-heart
a hippie says to w.
she had the soul of souls -
seen in her eyes and the beauty
she IS beauty and is even more beautiful
simply because she is unaware of that fact.
and I blush and swoon
and hope to hear those words
someday
myself, from a man
in love.
Saturday, February 9, 2008
For Daniel
Sleepless aches
seep down my spine
and grip my back
like his hands did
those times, years ago.
His well-roughened
and
well-worn
hands were
well-trained
in saving,
protecting,
guiding,
and
coaxing
this stricken girl
from herself.
When the aches
seep down my spine
I'm reminded
of the sweet lovely touches
meant to soothe...
and the long drives home.
seep down my spine
and grip my back
like his hands did
those times, years ago.
His well-roughened
and
well-worn
hands were
well-trained
in saving,
protecting,
guiding,
and
coaxing
this stricken girl
from herself.
When the aches
seep down my spine
I'm reminded
of the sweet lovely touches
meant to soothe...
and the long drives home.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
as the ink settles
as the ink settles into my skin
and i sigh a soft completion
i am whole.
with or without another,
i must stand and face my world
with bravery
and tenacity
and strength.
things which i write on my body
are sacred and show truth
in its rarest forms...
complete.
and i walk out the doors
planning another walk in them
letting ink into skin and mind
and spirit.
and i sigh a soft completion
i am whole.
with or without another,
i must stand and face my world
with bravery
and tenacity
and strength.
things which i write on my body
are sacred and show truth
in its rarest forms...
complete.
and i walk out the doors
planning another walk in them
letting ink into skin and mind
and spirit.
this steady knocking
this steady knocking of my heart
picks up pace as i walk into the door
and see
hello
from you to me.
it's silly and girly and pink
but i can't help hoping
that you are thinking of me
when i think of you, and how
little i really know.
girlish insecurity clouds my vision
like these side-swept bangs that
hide the indecision in my eyes
my eyes which say,
are you the one for me?
and
could this be it for real?
picks up pace as i walk into the door
and see
hello
from you to me.
it's silly and girly and pink
but i can't help hoping
that you are thinking of me
when i think of you, and how
little i really know.
girlish insecurity clouds my vision
like these side-swept bangs that
hide the indecision in my eyes
my eyes which say,
are you the one for me?
and
could this be it for real?
12/30/07
Remember when I fell asleep in your arms
right after the quick walk through the sand.
I'm not asking.
I'm telling you.
The time we glided smooth ice chips over the hot skin of our bodies
because the fan just wasn't enough
against that summer.
(and, come to think of it, neither were we)
The time you kissed me for the first time
you gave me your drink on accident
it was mixed for you and not me.
You'll always remember those times
as you try against the tide
when the spirit of love leads us,
It will someday derail and leave us stranded
on this beautiful island you built up for me,
and it's no longer home
and no longer sunny
and no longer lovely.
the colors are all too pale to be felt.
if perchance
you really did notice,
the weight alone would crush you post haste.
Knowing is half the battle, they say.
Surviving is the other.
right after the quick walk through the sand.
I'm not asking.
I'm telling you.
The time we glided smooth ice chips over the hot skin of our bodies
because the fan just wasn't enough
against that summer.
(and, come to think of it, neither were we)
The time you kissed me for the first time
you gave me your drink on accident
it was mixed for you and not me.
You'll always remember those times
as you try against the tide
when the spirit of love leads us,
It will someday derail and leave us stranded
on this beautiful island you built up for me,
and it's no longer home
and no longer sunny
and no longer lovely.
the colors are all too pale to be felt.
if perchance
you really did notice,
the weight alone would crush you post haste.
Knowing is half the battle, they say.
Surviving is the other.
1/4/08
I'd give away the last few months with you
just to feel the words
dribble from my lips,
shaped by my tongue
as well as my past.
To feel the welling of a voice and a body inside mine
a body that is mine
rising to the top like tears
and escaping in between gaps in my outer shell.
There's a reason I broke up with you
and not the speech team.
Speaking and feeling it in the backs of my knees
and my ankles
and my knuckles...
that's better for me than
any orgasm
or
broken promise you've ever made.
just to feel the words
dribble from my lips,
shaped by my tongue
as well as my past.
To feel the welling of a voice and a body inside mine
a body that is mine
rising to the top like tears
and escaping in between gaps in my outer shell.
There's a reason I broke up with you
and not the speech team.
Speaking and feeling it in the backs of my knees
and my ankles
and my knuckles...
that's better for me than
any orgasm
or
broken promise you've ever made.
1/11/08
Bridging the gap between who you are
and who you seem
proves much harder than
it used to be. Since
the loss of self and love and trust
I had lost myself.
And now
when the past comes welling up
from my eyes and the pages of
this give and take,
I am forced by a forced hand.
Turn into the mirror and
open my shut-eyed gaze
and find myself
to base a falsity upon.
and who you seem
proves much harder than
it used to be. Since
the loss of self and love and trust
I had lost myself.
And now
when the past comes welling up
from my eyes and the pages of
this give and take,
I am forced by a forced hand.
Turn into the mirror and
open my shut-eyed gaze
and find myself
to base a falsity upon.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
12/20/07
I'm convinced
that there are some things
you're not meant to survive.
**** being one of them.
I feel as though
I was to end long ago but
I'm still here
and why?
What good can i do in this world,
who benefits from me going through this pain?
and,
why must i still suffer through?
why am i still alive and
walking this earth as a ghost of a soul?
and being only a soul,
I am now strength
in is purest and rawest of forms.
Humans aren't meant to love souls
and they never will.
No one will ever be strong enough
to bear my secrets
and still love me.
that there are some things
you're not meant to survive.
**** being one of them.
I feel as though
I was to end long ago but
I'm still here
and why?
What good can i do in this world,
who benefits from me going through this pain?
and,
why must i still suffer through?
why am i still alive and
walking this earth as a ghost of a soul?
and being only a soul,
I am now strength
in is purest and rawest of forms.
Humans aren't meant to love souls
and they never will.
No one will ever be strong enough
to bear my secrets
and still love me.
When I was a Sophomore
I wanted to tell myself these things - this is what I was about...
Romans 12:9 - LOVE MUST BE SINCERE. Hate what is evil - cling to what is good.
Sponge it all up
Hold it in
Drip it out
See it Through
Sponge it UP
Express Emotion Effectively
Everything GREATER!
Passion DRIVES~
Mark 12:29-31 - THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE
Do Nothing Halfway
Appreciate Hidden Beauty
Fight for passion and beliefs
for those in need
for what's right
for good character
ROCK
the world
Be a ROCK
Romans 12:9 - LOVE MUST BE SINCERE. Hate what is evil - cling to what is good.
Sponge it all up
Hold it in
Drip it out
See it Through
Sponge it UP
Express Emotion Effectively
Everything GREATER!
Passion DRIVES~
Mark 12:29-31 - THE GREATEST OF THESE IS LOVE
Do Nothing Halfway
Appreciate Hidden Beauty
Fight for passion and beliefs
for those in need
for what's right
for good character
ROCK
the world
Be a ROCK
Journal Entry from Yesteryear
I've decided yesterday
I've been doing too much thinking
I decided long ago
That I'd always have a reason
to do the things I do
and to know what my heart speaks
I've determined that
this plan I'm gonna change
I'm gonna cut loose
throw my head back in the wind
and laugh out loud
gonna live dreams
yell things
at the top of my lungs that
no one says i should think
i'm gonna be free
come what may
i choose to be me - today
I've been doing too much thinking
I decided long ago
That I'd always have a reason
to do the things I do
and to know what my heart speaks
I've determined that
this plan I'm gonna change
I'm gonna cut loose
throw my head back in the wind
and laugh out loud
gonna live dreams
yell things
at the top of my lungs that
no one says i should think
i'm gonna be free
come what may
i choose to be me - today
Natasha Beddingfield
I feel these four walls closing in
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
It's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Hmm, wide open spaces far away
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared
Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh
Yeah, oh oh, ye-yeah
I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared
Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh
I wanna run too
Oooh oh oh oh
Recklessly emboundening myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel, ooh ooh
Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Ooh ooooh ooh ooh ye-yeah yeah oohh
I wanna run with the wild horses, ooooh
Face up against the glass
I'm looking out, hmmm
Is this my life I'm wondering
It happened so fast
How do I turn this thing around
Is this the bed I chose to make
It's greener pastures I'm thinking about
Hmm, wide open spaces far away
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear but not feel scared
Ooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh
Yeah, oh oh, ye-yeah
I see the girl I wanna be
Riding bare-back, care-free
Along the shore
If only that someone was me
Jumping head-first, head-long
Without a thought
To act and damn the consequence
How I wish it could be that easy
But fear surrounds me like a fence
I wanna break free
All I want is the wind in my hair
To face the fear, but not feel scared
Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses, oh
I wanna run too
Oooh oh oh oh
Recklessly emboundening myself before you
I wanna open up my heart
Tell him how I feel, ooh ooh
Oooh, wild horses I wanna be like you
Throwing caution to the wind, I'll run free too
Wish I could recklessly love like I'm longing to
I wanna run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Run with the wild horses
Ooh ooooh ooh ooh ye-yeah yeah oohh
I wanna run with the wild horses, ooooh
Friday, February 1, 2008
sometimes
i am overcome by my own imagination
especially when the remedy is so nearby
at arm's length, to rub and touch and be soft to
still the only way i can be soft
still the only man for the unavoidable kiss
still the only man for the tortuous love
i open my eyes and see these hints
these clues
these signs from you
so easily misread into
and i see you next to me and near to me and protecting me
with your hand on the small of my back
hovering there from time to time
and then i close my eyes and i see your hand
actually reaching through the miles
between your fingertips and my skin
and i see your mouth
soft and clear and near mine
and i see your hands
holding my face and wiping away the tears
of wanting and wanting and wanting
and finally, the quenching look that ends the wanting
you have known me for years
and now i'd like to show you more
and please not to have you disappear into the smoke
i close my eyes and the signals have written
in smokey seared lines on the backs of my lids
that you are aching for me the same way
i ache for your hands
being here without you today feels wrong and
sad.
i will lay right down and dream of you, yes i will.
I’ll blow a kiss to you, yes I will.
especially when the remedy is so nearby
at arm's length, to rub and touch and be soft to
still the only way i can be soft
still the only man for the unavoidable kiss
still the only man for the tortuous love
i open my eyes and see these hints
these clues
these signs from you
so easily misread into
and i see you next to me and near to me and protecting me
with your hand on the small of my back
hovering there from time to time
and then i close my eyes and i see your hand
actually reaching through the miles
between your fingertips and my skin
and i see your mouth
soft and clear and near mine
and i see your hands
holding my face and wiping away the tears
of wanting and wanting and wanting
and finally, the quenching look that ends the wanting
you have known me for years
and now i'd like to show you more
and please not to have you disappear into the smoke
i close my eyes and the signals have written
in smokey seared lines on the backs of my lids
that you are aching for me the same way
i ache for your hands
being here without you today feels wrong and
sad.
i will lay right down and dream of you, yes i will.
I’ll blow a kiss to you, yes I will.
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