Lately, Ive been obsessed.
"Art is what you can get away with." - Andy Warhol
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
frustration
I'm so frustrated right now
that the only way i can justify this entry
is to try to turn it into a poem right now
but the words
just aren't spilling that way.
they're gushing they're overspilling
like the dam in ohio
but enough with PERSONAL REFERENCES
and enough with you.
enough with accepting but demeaning differences
and enough with tactless and spiritless men.
enough with men.
enough with weakness.
enough with women and men and weakness in both
enough with wanting to vomit
every time i see my friend's face and realize
she hasn't been a friend for oh so long.
enough with needing
and needing
and needing
and needing
and never getting enough.
it's just been enough, already, ok?
ok?
and then silence.
and it's never going to be enough for me, so i will live a disappointed life.
that the only way i can justify this entry
is to try to turn it into a poem right now
but the words
just aren't spilling that way.
they're gushing they're overspilling
like the dam in ohio
but enough with PERSONAL REFERENCES
and enough with you.
enough with accepting but demeaning differences
and enough with tactless and spiritless men.
enough with men.
enough with weakness.
enough with women and men and weakness in both
enough with wanting to vomit
every time i see my friend's face and realize
she hasn't been a friend for oh so long.
enough with needing
and needing
and needing
and needing
and never getting enough.
it's just been enough, already, ok?
ok?
and then silence.
and it's never going to be enough for me, so i will live a disappointed life.
Amanda is...doubting the existence of anything...
I am doubting the existence of anything
including goodwill towards men.
well, i guess it DOES exist...
to men like YOU, YOU
who hurt me in so many ways unimagined
who
strangles my heart
and chokes my vision
even with the distortion that impairs my reactions
i
can still feel the slow incineration
by which i am burning
still i am unable to grasp those HUGE concepts
such as
constellations
and stars
and the inky night sky
or the existence of a thing that cares
about either of those.
since you've told me
over
and
over
and
over
and over
and over
and over
and over and over and over and over and over
and over again
that what i have to say is unimportant to you i say
fuck you
fuck you for ruining the one thing that was saving me
fuck you for closing your mind just when it should be opening
fuck you for reminding me of why i HATED men
why i couldn't stand MEN
and why i never wanted to be in a relationship with another person.
because you...
you're far too weak to see the truth in yourself,
all too weak to face the darkness that you've been blessed to avoid.
you're too weak to really see who and what you are
and you're surely spared this darkness because that deity you worship
is a male, too.
because apparently only GOD knows
THAT man is far too weak to be with a woman.
so that must make me GOD.
including goodwill towards men.
well, i guess it DOES exist...
to men like YOU, YOU
who hurt me in so many ways unimagined
who
strangles my heart
and chokes my vision
even with the distortion that impairs my reactions
i
can still feel the slow incineration
by which i am burning
still i am unable to grasp those HUGE concepts
such as
constellations
and stars
and the inky night sky
or the existence of a thing that cares
about either of those.
since you've told me
over
and
over
and
over
and over
and over
and over
and over and over and over and over and over
and over again
that what i have to say is unimportant to you i say
fuck you
fuck you for ruining the one thing that was saving me
fuck you for closing your mind just when it should be opening
fuck you for reminding me of why i HATED men
why i couldn't stand MEN
and why i never wanted to be in a relationship with another person.
because you...
you're far too weak to see the truth in yourself,
all too weak to face the darkness that you've been blessed to avoid.
you're too weak to really see who and what you are
and you're surely spared this darkness because that deity you worship
is a male, too.
because apparently only GOD knows
THAT man is far too weak to be with a woman.
so that must make me GOD.
Crashing at 7:33, or What this Black Box would say...
Searching for those little blue magic spells
that have made me so happily unaware.
So many things insist on upsetting
this day and night
the darkness is sneaking up on me and overtaking me
and reminding me how crucial it is to take care.
the blue haven
and the grumbling in my pit has nothing to do with hunger...
and everything to do with memories
there are some memories that i can't escape
and don't flatter yourself.
you are not one of them.
thankfully, you are incredibly easy to forget
once motivations and distractions are taken into account
motivation - to learn NOT to date assholes
distractions - unnamed
More than ever, i need to be looked after.
but never, NEVER by another one of you.
that have made me so happily unaware.
So many things insist on upsetting
this day and night
the darkness is sneaking up on me and overtaking me
and reminding me how crucial it is to take care.
the blue haven
and the grumbling in my pit has nothing to do with hunger...
and everything to do with memories
there are some memories that i can't escape
and don't flatter yourself.
you are not one of them.
thankfully, you are incredibly easy to forget
once motivations and distractions are taken into account
motivation - to learn NOT to date assholes
distractions - unnamed
More than ever, i need to be looked after.
but never, NEVER by another one of you.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Cant sleep again
When things get hard, I listen to music
that hardens my outside
like the shellac that synchronized swimmers soak into their hair
it will save me but destroy me at the same time
and just like this soap cleanses my skin
my poetry scrubs raw my insides
and my feet pad slowly back to bed
that hardens my outside
like the shellac that synchronized swimmers soak into their hair
it will save me but destroy me at the same time
and just like this soap cleanses my skin
my poetry scrubs raw my insides
and my feet pad slowly back to bed
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
Just wanted to say...2
I don't have much to say right now that isn't totally incriminating
but
happy new year
and a happy new lease on life to everyone.
and kassy said to me when we were both flying
well
maybe it's ok to end up in lagrange or a place like fort wayne
because if it's a true love between you
those sparks in your tummy will come
and he will be exactly what you need
and im wondering why i can't get my mind off the future with my past
and im wondering how with my past
i can look at the future and not cry
knowing how FUCKED life is
how FUCKED it is that i wear the stigma
how FUCKED it is that even when I need her most
my best friend chooses against it.
BUT
let me say
that today is a new day.
each day i live - new day.
and as adam told me,
i've missed YOU amanda
and IIIIII (you) is back
I am myself,
inhabiting this body so much stronger and fully than before
like in angela's prose last year
i was just renting
but now i've decided to put up the drapes in the body of my life
and when my skin will say survivor like a quiet whisper of strength from under my clothes
and my heart speaks words of strength in a calm even voice with unquivering chin
and my mind lets itself wander without a leash
and my body doesn't deny itself the freedom of being in a true state of feeling
when i stop taking the drugs that restrain myself
i am actually the most hindered
when i have no cuffs to stop my wayward hand
2007 brought a new story
just like every other girl in the history of...MAN...
i trusted a boy
(instead of a man)
and got my heart busted.
big whoop, im not special
and god knows
neither is he.
but
happy new year
and a happy new lease on life to everyone.
and kassy said to me when we were both flying
well
maybe it's ok to end up in lagrange or a place like fort wayne
because if it's a true love between you
those sparks in your tummy will come
and he will be exactly what you need
and im wondering why i can't get my mind off the future with my past
and im wondering how with my past
i can look at the future and not cry
knowing how FUCKED life is
how FUCKED it is that i wear the stigma
how FUCKED it is that even when I need her most
my best friend chooses against it.
BUT
let me say
that today is a new day.
each day i live - new day.
and as adam told me,
i've missed YOU amanda
and IIIIII (you) is back
I am myself,
inhabiting this body so much stronger and fully than before
like in angela's prose last year
i was just renting
but now i've decided to put up the drapes in the body of my life
and when my skin will say survivor like a quiet whisper of strength from under my clothes
and my heart speaks words of strength in a calm even voice with unquivering chin
and my mind lets itself wander without a leash
and my body doesn't deny itself the freedom of being in a true state of feeling
when i stop taking the drugs that restrain myself
i am actually the most hindered
when i have no cuffs to stop my wayward hand
2007 brought a new story
just like every other girl in the history of...MAN...
i trusted a boy
(instead of a man)
and got my heart busted.
big whoop, im not special
and god knows
neither is he.
Just wanted to say
I don't have much to say right now that isn't totally incriminating
but
happy new year
and a happy new lease on life to everyone.
and kassy said to me when we were both flying
well
maybe it's ok to end up in lagrange or a place like fort wayne
because if it's a true love between you
those sparks in your tummy will come
and he will be exactly what you need
and im wondering why i can't get my mind off the future with my past
and im wondering how with my past
i can look at the future and not cry
knowing how FUCKED life is
how FUCKED it is that i wear the stigma
how FUCKED it is that even when I need her most
my best friend chooses against it.
BUT
let me say
that today is a new day.
each day i live - new day.
and as adam told me,
i've missed YOU amanda
and IIIIII (you) is back
I am myself,
inhabiting this body so much stronger and fully than before
like in angela's prose last year
i was just renting
but now i've decided to put up the drapes in the body of my life
and when my skin will say survivor like a quiet whisper of strength from under my clothes
and my heart speaks words of strength in a calm even voice with unquivering chin
and my mind lets itself wander without a leash
and my body doesn't deny itself the freedom of being in a true state of feeling
when i stop taking the drugs that restrain myself
i am actually the most hindered
when i have no cuffs to stop my wayward hand
2007 brought a new story
just like every other girl in the history of...MAN...
i trusted a boy
(instead of a man)
and got my heart busted.
big whoop, im not special
and god knows
neither is he.
but
happy new year
and a happy new lease on life to everyone.
and kassy said to me when we were both flying
well
maybe it's ok to end up in lagrange or a place like fort wayne
because if it's a true love between you
those sparks in your tummy will come
and he will be exactly what you need
and im wondering why i can't get my mind off the future with my past
and im wondering how with my past
i can look at the future and not cry
knowing how FUCKED life is
how FUCKED it is that i wear the stigma
how FUCKED it is that even when I need her most
my best friend chooses against it.
BUT
let me say
that today is a new day.
each day i live - new day.
and as adam told me,
i've missed YOU amanda
and IIIIII (you) is back
I am myself,
inhabiting this body so much stronger and fully than before
like in angela's prose last year
i was just renting
but now i've decided to put up the drapes in the body of my life
and when my skin will say survivor like a quiet whisper of strength from under my clothes
and my heart speaks words of strength in a calm even voice with unquivering chin
and my mind lets itself wander without a leash
and my body doesn't deny itself the freedom of being in a true state of feeling
when i stop taking the drugs that restrain myself
i am actually the most hindered
when i have no cuffs to stop my wayward hand
2007 brought a new story
just like every other girl in the history of...MAN...
i trusted a boy
(instead of a man)
and got my heart busted.
big whoop, im not special
and god knows
neither is he.
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