shower thought or, emotional recall exercise # 1

mrs. j invited me over for a nice, catch-up chat.

we were smiling and having a good time in the living room when you come up behind me.
i turned to see who was there and it was you,
and you, of all things,
knelt down and said,
"will you marry me?"
and you meant it.
ring and all.
it was beautiful, stunning, by the way.
breathtaking.

so i looked at you, and the box, and the ring, and at your mother.
she nodded, and said,
"i invited you over for him. he asked me to."

and i turned back to you and the ring and the box.

and i said, "can i hold it?" and you said,
of course.
and i held it, and i said,
to mrs. j,
excuse me.
and to you,
can we talk outside for a moment?

and outside the sliding glass door i said
i love you.
and this is a beautiful ring.
but i can't and won't ask you to live a life
with someone you don't want to support, not really.
and i won't ask myself to do that either.
so, this ring is beautiful, david,
and i closed the box,
and i'm sure whoever you give it to will love it.
i love you,
but we just aren't what the other wants or needs.

i walked back inside and left you standing with a box in your hand

and turned to your mother, who was staring at my hands, which i was wringing in front of me.
i held up my left hand and shook my head and said,
no.
i love david very much.
and i love your family and you, and your beautiful home.
you have all been so kind and loving to me and i love you.
but we can't be what the other needs and
it would be unfair to ask him to live his life that way.
i love you, and you are a wonderful mother.
and i hugged you as you stood up to speak
and whispered in your ear,
and you have raised a son that means what he says with all his heart.
congratulations.
i love him.
please take very good care.

and i turned to you, who was standing inside the door by now,
and said,
please take very good care of yourself.
and i love you.
and i am here for you in every way a friend can be.

but now i have to go.

thank you, and, mrs. j, i hope to see you again in this lifetime.

david

why couldn't you dig me up from under what was covering the better part of me?

mostly i'm so glad that we're done
but sometimes,
sometimes,
i wish i could hear you say that we'll always have each other...
that at least we have each other.

i am so angry and so disappointed in you.

and i hate that you left me alone to deal with my shit
instead of standing by me like a friend
or a lover.

could you not see through what was covering the better part of me?

remember, there is and always has been a better part of me
than the one you saw for the last two months.

more than ever, i want you to sing this song.
remind me that your promises aren't empty
and someday, again, we'll have each other.
if only as friends.

don't walk out on the promises you made.

dig...

We all have a weakness
But some of ours are easy to identify. Look me in the eye,
and ask for forgiveness.
We'll make a pact to never speak that word again.
Yes, you are my friend.
We all have something that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.

So when weakness turns my ego up
I know you'll count on the me from yesterday.

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.

We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches and multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.

So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another,
dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
Oh, each other when everything else is gone.

ooooh....
(15x)

If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
the better part of me.
Sing this song
remind me that we'll always have each other
when everything else is gone.

Oh, each other when everything else is gone. (x2)

you come like an answered prayer

god i love dave matthews.
you come like an answered prayer...
how much hotter does it get?????

nurses

I'd just like to thank my nurses, Lauren and Katie,
for taking care of my super sick ass these past few days.
I love you.
And you mean so much more to me than I can ever explain!!!

Amanda

honestly

honestly, i've begun to see
the most beautiful parts of me
are the scarred ones.

the prettiest angles and curves
cut into the deep dark sticky
center of who i am and how i am

and just like a really great antique,
the best part about me is how i've aged.

so when a man may be attracted to me for my smile
or the blue in my eyes
or my fat ass
or...my feet...
the real man will come along and see the beauty in my scars
and realize they aren't imperfections
but the signs of aging and growing.

like rings on a tree
stretch marks for growth
of the heart and the body both
run in circles around me
and im convinced
honestly,
my scars are the prettiest part of me.

what k said

she said, i wish i could just punch him in the face
it took all i had not to burst into tears
and tell her all the hurt in my wrinkles
all the pain that catches in my eyelashes
on its way home.

yes, k. i want to punch him in the face too
i want to destroy who he is and make him disappear from this earth
i want him to cower when he sees me
to know i hold in my head and my heart all the words it would take to end him

i want to rip out his eyes
and pop them with my carlos santana shoes
wipe the shit off in the grass
and kick his teeth until they flew like snowflakes

i want to pummel his stomach with the heels of thousands who love me
i want to stand back and watch my real friends
beat the living shit out of him

i want to deliver the final blow to his pathetic face.
i want to scalp him and shove it in his mouth
so he won't bite his tongue
when i cut off his dick
and stab his balls.
i want to lean down over him and whisper...

i'll never be able to make you hurt and ruin your life the way you did to me once,
so i will take your life instead.

and i want to drive the point of my heels
into the holes where his eyes were, i want to shove his nose
into his brain
until he bleeds from every surface and hole.

not that i've dreamt about it,
but yeah k,
i know what you mean.

so my friend and i were talking

so my friend and i were talking and he was explaining
he would fuck rosie for money.
and i thought, well, he might just get rich.

but i can't give that part of me to someone
who doesn't give a shit.

to someone who doesn't see me for what i am,
for who i am
scars and shit and pus and all
i want them to see that first
and then see if they'd still like to love me with their body.

because doing the opposite has not worked, as we can see.

and while i'm not so sure my body is sacred,
it's connected to my heart and my mind
and those are.

so fuck off,
i hate you,
and i am in control now.

Pit

She said, "there is no bottom
and you have to choose
to turn around and drag yourself back up."
bloody fingers and all, i guess.

and i'd rather ruin this perfect manicured life than
slip further into the places you want me to go.

funny, pits are deep and dark
and hold the seeds of life inside
you just have to point them to the sky
and watch them grow.

I've been gone for a year and a half now

I've been gone for a year and a half now
and it was during my absence that you fell for me

but when i came back, i was an unwelcome house guest
a third-wheel in-law in my own relationship.

never will i be me to you,
your vision is so sadly distorted by the shit that your father has fed you for dreams
the shit he has fed you for dreams that
demote me
that demote my pain and the scars
and the real honest-to-fuck pain

because fucking is so much more raw than god will ever be to me.

so, thank you, mr. j
for creating a smaller version of yourself
attracted to damaged women
but not inclined to help clean up

and bless you, mrs. j
for folding up your own wounds
and licking them clean
while picking up the shit that three little boys make
and calling that a life.

your determination to forget will always inspire me to remember.

and i will love you more each day, because i see in you the pain in me and i want nothing more than to hug it away.
because i know, no son of yours will ever see his mother the way that i can.

so i put pen to paper and called it a note
sealed away my hopes that you would not hate me
sent it to you and have yet to hear back
and i will leave it at that.

my hand is still there for you to hold.

My Neck Hurts, so I'm writing...

Before I was ra-ra-ra-ripped from my own head
I was ripped from my own goddamn mind
I followed what he had to say
that women are less
less money, less brains, less.
women are less.
and i said, yes. i am less.
and now i am one less to him
i am one less
bitch he will have to listen to
i am one less
girl with a big head and a bigger mouth
i know my flaws and point them out
like road signs leading the way home

my mind is a woman when my body was not
and it always will be.
my mind points out the signs of
abuse
and abuse
and bullshit you fed me but now
i am one less
dumb-ass cunt you will waste your time
and money on
i am one less
mouth to feed
one less
burden in your pocketbook you selfish fucking prick

my body may be marked
by the shit that's run me over,
the shit that has lived in my body and
taken up residence in the folds of my mind
and the lobes of my heart
and my body may be marked
but it is well-marked
and well-earned.
my body is mine, again, finally.

and i will play it like the guitar my parents bought me for christmas

i will use it as the tool that it is
to entice and incite
and never will i be ashamed of the marks
the marks are road signs
pointing my way home.

Check this shit out

I love it. Oh, how I love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jOv47njeLHQ&feature=related

Not poetry

I know it's not poetry, but I wanted to say that I'm sick.
Like, sick as hell sick.
I have an ear infection, which makes me vomit most of the time. I am sick to my stomach becausethe antibiotics suck balls.

This sucks.

Magnolia

Claudia Gator: I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything, and maybe we can get through all the piss and shit and lies that kill other people.
Claudia Wilson Gator: [to Jim] I'll tell you everything, and you tell me everything. And maybe we can get through the piss, shit, and lies that kill other people.


[Claudia kisses Jim]
Claudia Wilson Gator: I wanted to do that.
Jim Kurring: Well...
Claudia Wilson Gator: That felt good to do - to do what I wanted to do.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I'm really nervous that you're gonna hate me soon. You're gonna find stuff out about me and you're gonna hate me.
Jim Kurring: No. Like what? What do you mean?
Claudia Wilson Gator: You have so much - so many good things. And you seem so together. You're a police officer and you seem so straight and put together - without any problems.
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today.
Claudia Wilson Gator: What?
Jim Kurring: I lost my gun today when I left you and I'm the laughingstock of a lot of people. I wanted to tell you. I wanted you to know and it's on my mind. And it makes me look like a fool. And I feel like a fool. And you asked that we should say things - that we should say what we're thinking and not lie about things. Well, I can tell you that, this, that I lost my gun today - and I am not a good cop. And I'm looked down at. And I know that. And I'm scared that once you find that out you may not like me.
Claudia Wilson Gator: Jim. That, that was so...
Jim Kurring: I'm sorry.
Claudia Wilson Gator: - great. What you just said.
Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how fucking stupid I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: You don't know how *crazy* I am.
Jim Kurring: It's okay.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I got troubles, okay?
Jim Kurring: I'll take everything at face value. I'll be a good listener.
Claudia Wilson Gator: I started this didn't I, didn't I - fuck.
Jim Kurring: Whatever it is, just say it, you'll see.
Claudia Wilson Gator: ...You wanna kiss me, Jim?
Jim Kurring: Yes, I do.

Jim Kurring: [to Claudia] I can't let this go. I can't let you go. Now, you... you listen to me now. You're a good person. You're a good and beautiful person and I won't let you walk out on me. And I won't let you say those things - those things about how stupid you are and this and that. I won't stand for that. You want to be with me... then you be with me. You see?
[Claudia smiles]

the softness

the softness in the side and hips and thighs
makes me wonder why grown men don't fall
it trembles under touch and reaches for release
and it's soft, so unbearably soft

i could break you
he said
because i am so soft
and his lips let slip
so soft
ive never felt more proud

a woman is what she is and
this one is soft

mmmmm

she said,
he sees you as a woman,
and i cried.

because the woman in me
wasn't there
it was the beast
i was the beast
i was the monster scratching for survival and needing the slime in my life to breathe
i haven't been a woman in so very long

it's the nicest thing you've ever done for me.

Brisk through my nose

It's brisk through my nose when I breathe in and I feel it in my ears
it's sifting through my past and covering over the dead in me
sighs of
relief
hurt cries out, the hurt cries out and i,
i smother it with booze and drugs of all kinds
it's safe to me, sweet to me
the taste of the silence in my mouth
which has sickened me
now forces a smile onto my lips
and i breathe in and it's brisk
and i forget the time before now
and here
and me
and now
and you
and now
and i crave it like a fucking meal i swear to god i need the drug you give me
in my blood
i need you in my blood

and i take another breath and it's brisk
and i smother you and you are silent
and the silence makes me smile in the carefee pain
and the dis-cum-passion makes my heart disappear

these have no names

______________________
All the Fire

All the flame
And the fire
And the heat
That bit into every nerve I had
With sweet sweet irresistible teeth
Has left
And for all the pain of the bite,
Id rather bleed.

_____________________________________
It begins with one soft touch,
A surprise to my neck
My ear,
Your breath on my ear,
It opened my eyes in a gasp
And my mouth in an “o”
And made my muscles go tense and loose
And tense again.

No, the first time wasn’t good.
It was awkward and strange
A newborn thing on my mouth
And I was totally unaware of how to make it work
If it was working
So, that being that…
I missed out on the warmness of the newness of my first kiss.

_________________________________________
When words have failed,
Touch came and translated, translated, understood.
Touch understood.

Touch led to kiss led to moan led to linger
Lingering eyes and hands and fingers and lips and eyes
Eyes and eyes and eyes
Led to bed led to nothing in between.

Nothing in between led to trust.
Led to trust. Led to trust. Led to trust.
Led to love.

Led to care
Led to concern led to compassion led to
Sympathy led to pain led to pain
Pain pain pain pain pain pain

Pain numbed the words,
The words always failed
The touch tried to translate, tried to understand
But the touch was hard to come by, the touch was hard.
The touch never came.

Led to pain pain pain led to pain.
Led to sad, led to truth, led to lies, led to disbelief and unsureities and insecurities and doubts led to hope.

Hope led to you.

Hope was always led to you, when words failed and touch never came.

Hope led to you.

Hope led to love led to love love love love love love love
Led to you.

_______________________________________

Pressed near your warm firm chest I feel safe god help me I feel safe and I hate myself for it that it is only when in your arms that I feel fine I feel fine in your arms and near you and you get me without me speaking and you know me and I want to know how you know and what you think and I want to know why it is that you let me into your arms and your bed is it because I insist or because my insistence lets you let down your walls and let me in if only for a few minutes a night
_________________________________________

oh you let me in for a few minutes every day and those minutes feel so good
they feel so god damn good
and they feel so right.
“he sees you as a woman”
she says and I cried
because it’s so true and so right
and that’s why I love it.
That’s why I need it
Sadly
But you’re the first man I know to see me for what I am
And still see me as the woman that I’ve never known

God help me, I want to be a woman to you.
I want to keep being a woman to you
I want to keep feeling like a woman.

i am clipping you out of my head

i am clipping you out of my head and trying not to let him take your place
because i already have a therapist

and i already have the drugs i need so much
and i am clipping you out my head and my heart and i love the feeling of these blades in my head
i love the feeling of th blades over my heart just enough to tease, just enough to make my toes curl

he made my toes curl, not by making me blind
but my touching me in the places where i am most beautiful, by touching the parts of me that everyone and anyone can see and not the places where i am hurt and damaged and in trouble those places are not where he touched he did not touch and will not touch those places...
but he made my toes curl, curl to get away from the way he made them curl, they curl to hide and run from everything he was showing me
i am terrified of everything he is showing me
he's a big person, yes, but his soul is even greater and it stifles me and it terrifies me and i need to take in a breath
so i must push him off and away and breathe again

until i need him to suffocate me so that i know i am alive and still feeling
and then is when he is sweetest of all, then is when he is hot in my mouth and my head and makes me dizzy
and he will once again make my toes curl and i will hate him for it just like i hate him now

the drugs in my blood

the drugs in my blood beg for more beg for friends that it knows i will so willingly give

and the drugs in my blood beg for love and hate and something that it can feel and i will feed it with both.

the drugs in my blood make me hungry for the words and the words make me hungry for the tears and the tears will not come for fear of the blood

and so here are the words behind the blue of my eyes and the green that you saw
here are the words that nibble at my mind when my mouth is not moving, which is not often enough
my mouth is moving to keep the words at bay but now i give myself over to the words and let them own me and eat me and devour me and i will gain their strength because the words are who i am and the words are hungry

when all is said and done and the drugs are in my blood again i will feed them with more words and more drugs and more more more more more more of whatever they ask

fed up

i cant even bring myself to think of you because you are my greatest disappointment to date.

you made promises you couldn't keep and i couldn't see that it's not ok to love someone so much

it's not ok to love someone and expect them to understand you when they are standing far too close to see you.

you were so close you couldn't even focus your eyes on my pain and see it and lick it and heal it for what it was but no you licked it with knives and the knives in your eyes cut me in so many ways away from you and this is your fault.

this is your fault.

after the substance inside you fades away i was far enough away to see you as you really are and to see you as you are made me vomit.

i can't believe i shared ten pathetic months with your incapable ass.

oh, and by the way, i lied.

the sex was not that great. especially not when it got boring at the end.

also, your penis is my second greatest disappointment.

because it sees more it is willing to see less

Because you have seen more of me you are all willing to see less
and i cry in your warmth

when you wipe my self-pity from my eyes and you smother me with work and love and hate and love and respect
i begin to see myself the way you see me

as i am seen.

as i am seen by you, i am loved by you, and the love in your eyes makes me your forehead furrow and i can see through those fields and into your heart, which for you, resides in your mind.

and my chest leaps forwward into your chest, leaps forward onto your feet and all too eagerly laps at your eyes and the liquid they are seeping and you are holding back

but you knew before I did that I would be all too eager and you accept that.

And I stand before you and you join me in that night when I was lower than I have ever been and you see that night in my heart and hear it in my lips and tongue and need it just like i needed it, you need it to know that I am just like you

I am just like you.

And I hold you in my heart and my arms when you are not around.

And I want to say thank you for seeing me in that moment and not just looking but seeing.

An early morning after (no) sex

On this early morning after no sex,
I take in a gasp
and surprise myself with the embers in my pit.

the cold on my skin licks the heat in my skin and my head
and the purple in my head and my heart forces me into awe
purple, because my thoughts of you are red and blue
and never without linking, never stopping the mixing and the churning and the utter confusion.

you gave me a gift of tongues

you gave me more than you thought you did, thinking then
it's only no sex.
but now, now, now, it's so much more in me.
it's so much more because it is the first time in two years that i've been able to look at myself
and see the woman you touched when you fingered my skin and nuzzled my neck

i look at myself and see the woman that you saw, that you see

the one that makes you burn inside, the one who dominates your thoughts who steals the time from your mind and puts it in a box and shuttles that box into the sky to be lifted lifted lifted

on this early morning after no sex, i saw you and it terrified me.

that i say things to implicate you, to implicate your heart, and that i am playing with it like a cat and a mouse and it's hurting me inside to know that i want to destroy you.

god help me, i want to destroy you.

god help me, you are the best friend I've got that sees the woman I am and I want to destory you.

Your eyes lick over my breasts and my thighs and my calves, touching all the parts of me i've always thought were sexy and then you see them as they are and they should be and they tremble under your eyes
your eyes make me hate you and love you and need you and know that i can never really have what you could give
i can never really have what you could give
i will never have what you could give

i will hurt and destroy and confuse you to equalize the conflict within

you looked so good this early morning after no sex.
you looked so goddamn good and i wanted to touch your chest in the middle where you liked it, where you sighed when i touched and pushed
i was pushing my way into your heart and your life and your mind and i want out now.

i want out now, please.

your kindness is terrifying and i cry when i sit and stand and speak and i cry because you care and it terrifies me

that i am as great as i am, in my head, as i've always told myself how great i am.
that it's true, terrifies me. if you see it, and i see it, i am not blind.
i am not blind and you are not blind
and i've become an awkward beast who knows not its own strength
and i simply want to play

but that play will turn into kiss wiil turn into taste will turn into lick will turn into tease tease moan moan tremble and push and pull and pull and pull and pulling you into me with no sex.

and that play will burn your eyes and into your heart and through your blood i will own and destroy

so please stay away from me when you hold me,
please keep yourself in that distant land of weed and booze and musical peace and not into my head and my heart
i hate it that you are there and i lie to my friends and you are there and i hate it.

the peace and calm that you understand me with makes me hate you because i cannot understand myself with that peace and calm and i cry when i see the frustration in my eyes and i hate it because i love you.
i love you, who you are, not with me.
i love you the best way i can, which is far away from me.

so please...stay far away from me and i will love you that way and you will touch me in the night in your bed in your arms and i will be as far as the planets and you will love me then too

It's been so long and dark

It's been so long since I've written in this thing, I forgot I had it. Literally.

So here's my newest poem, and I'll be writing another today. I'll never be able to put myself and my heart and the things I see into words, but these are my best efforts at the time.

When the light is turned off, the light is gone, the light is dimmed and gone and done and has left you with yourself.
When the light is gone and left me with myself, I knew myself. I knew who I was, what I was, saw myself most clearly when the light was gone.
I saw the pit and the hole and the deep dark ocean that swallowed all me in ink and blood and milk.
The scent disgusts overwhelms hates. The ink hates the milk hates the blood hates hates hates it cooks the inside.
It boils the inside and cooks the heart, done, rough, tough.
A tough heart can't be cut, boil it you motherfucker
BOIL IN THE BLOOD

It's being naked in front of you, who will not run, will not turn, will not disappear. Hate is better than nothing. Hate is always better than anything. Hate me. Please. Look at me and hate me.

I thought he would be there, but I was so fuckin wrong, stupid, alone, BOIL IN THE BLOOD MOTHERFUCKER I FUCKING BOIL YOU

I FUCKING BOIL YOU

You weak piece of shit, weak shit, weak weak WEAK MOTHERFUCKER
the strong boil the weak, i fucking TERRIFY YOU WEAK SHIT

muscle and grit and dirt inside terrify you, grind you, grind your fucking eyes till you walk out you piece of shit.
I will grind your fucking eyes, I will boil you in the shit of my life, I will feed you to the beasts that live in my heart and my head and terrify me until they devour every part of who you used to be and what you could have been. I will boil you in the shit of my life, I will feed you to the beasts in my head.

I will FEED YOU TO THE BEASTS IN MY HEAD MOTHERFUCKER

Sass stands up, sits down, nothing. Sass - not even close. I have not spunk, not sass, not sweet, not sexy.
You're too blind to see.

You're too fucking blind to see.

Shield your eyes so they're the last to go. They will go, they will be chewed and eaten and spat and shit. The beasts will shit your eyes out and they will ruin you, your eyes will ruin you.

The beasts in me run me, ran me, ran me over. Run me over with hate and heat and greed and need and want and want and want like fucking booze and drugs and sex, i fucking need need need need to feed the beasts with all. I feed the beast with heart, boiled, boiled heart, boil it in the blood and simmer it in the ink and drown you in the milky shit of my eyes, the shit behind my eyes that you can't see in my eyes my eyes my eyes have seen the beasts and stared the beasts and fed the beasts and starved the beasts and beaten the beasts.

My eyes will eat you. My heart will reject you, motherfucker.

Stay as far away as you can possibly get, motherfucker. The beasts will boil you in my blood, my blood will erode your skin and your eyes and I will eat your eyes for snacks and pop them in my mouth like grapes, motherfucker.

I will ruin you, the beasts will ruin you, we will ruin you, because we are one and the same, we live in these eyes and we live through these eyes and we feed through these eyes and these eyes will destroy the nothing you are.

The beasts feed on the nothing. I feed on the nothingness.

I feed on the dark, the light gone. The beasts feed on the light, when it's gone. They eat and eat and eat into the black hole, the black hole eats them and they eat it and they grow in strength by eating their own tails and hearts and claws.

Chewing on claws and biting the fur and tearing the flesh and that is the beast in my eyes.

And the beast in my eyes will eat me, stronger, I will eat it, stronger, it will eat you and shit you out onto yourself, motherfucker.