Haiku Night, Attempt #1

Hearts bigger in you
than your body seems to fit
beat in tune with mine.

Haikus are very hard.
Forget what your teachers say.
I can't write worth shit.

Poezzi Romanesti

A Poem

Tell me, if I caught you one day
and kissed the sole of your foot,
wouldn't you limp a little then,
afraid to crush my kiss?...

That night you looked at me and said confront...

I'm going to lay it out for you.


There are
far too many holes in
what used to be human
what used to be a woman
to focus on more holes.

Let me lie and
lick my wounds before
pouring the salt from your lips into them.

Because nothing scrapes and hurts
quite so much as you
and the honesty dripping from your tongue
you know,
that tongue that i like to feel on mine.
that tongue that has
been more places than you're willing to claim
as explored, as yours.

and no, i can't lie about this,
not to you,
because I love you.
Dearly, harshly,
fiercely,
in the only wounded way I know how,
I love you.
but it will never be enough.

And that's just one of those things
those things you say I'm afraid of confronting,
one of those things I'll say to you
before this night is through.
I have nothing to give,
I have no love,
so the world around me
seems without a doubt
warmer than my own arms.

And
let me abuse my body
let me fill it with
enough poisons to forget

let me
drink up to drown
those voices in my throat
screaming out against the way you make me feel in your arms

let me kill the parts of me that
still feel
so I don't care when
that boy kisses me
in front of you

it's the same parts of me
that don't feel a thing
when i look at him,
when I look at myself.

Somedays I forget that
I feel anything at all
until I look at you
and I know,
at least if it hurts,
I'm alive.

and it always does.

and I know,
I know.
Nothing in you
could ever love
a thing like me
I know.

So please,
let me get this out.
Let me tell you,
in a confrontation to kill what's left,
I would love you if I could.
and I know you would never love me
because...
you have yet to give me a good enough reason to make me think you would never love me.

Since pain is my most powerful sense,
please,
if you want to be my friend,
try your very best to destroy me.

I spent all my life begging
not to be hit,
touched,
fucked,
sucked,
licked,
hurt,
and scarred.
And tonight I'm confronting what I need
and that's pain, from your hand.

I will use that as my reason to forget you, to cleanse my mind of you, and the drugs, and the sex, and the need for anything. When I know that you, my dear friend who does not love me, will never love me, I'll know.
It's ok then. It will all be ok.

I want you to make my place known to me. What is it exactly that I deserve? I'm putting myself in your hands, as I have on so many other nights, and asking you to deem me worthy, with the full knowledge that I never will be, that I never can be. That I am flawed and fucked up and out of love. I'm out of love, babe. I can't make it come out of nowhere, I have none to give you, I don't know if I'll ever be in love again and that's a fucked up thing to know about yourself. And nothing anyone can say will change that or make it hurt any less.
But, oh...pain. Welling up just enough to leak onto my cheeks and leave me. The only constant I feel, but at least I feel it.

not broken

"and I guess I'm not broken if im meant to be this way"

what is meant to be?
the
supplications of the beggar
pleading to walk
instead of hang
ring out over the city square
and the people echo

"meant to be"

the divinations
of the preaching choir
float down from those rafters.

"meant to be"

the tears spread
over the page
of the book
of the man
whose hands hold me

and he says, "meant to be"

and I am the only person in this town
who thinks I am NOT meant to be this way.

that dangerous work

and it's dangerous work
getting through that
muck and mire
to try my luck
at another hand
in your games

your games shame me
turn me into the fool
you know me as
and all i can whisper
as I lose another hand
is there any way to win?

and it's dangerous work
getting through that
muck and mire
to try my hand
at another hand
in your games

the seas
are quite too cool
but at least
they don't lie to me.

Fiona Apple Sings for me...

This is not about love
'Cause I am not in love
In fact I can't stop falling out
I miss that stupid ache

_____

I'm gonna make a mistake
I'm gonna do it on purpose
I'm gonna waste my time
'Cause I'm full as a tick
And I'm scratching at the surface
And what I find is mine
And when the day is done, and I look back
And the fact is I had fun, fumbling around
All the advice I shunned, and I ran
Where they told me not to run, but I sure
Had fun, so
I'm gonna f*** it up again
I'm gonna do another detour
Unpave my path
And if you wanna make sense
Whatcha looking at me for
I'm no good at math
And when I find my way back,
The fact is I just may stay, or I may not
I've acquired quite a taste
For a wellmade mistake
I wanna mistake why can't I make a mistake?
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why
Do I wanna do right, of course but
Do I really wanna feel I'm forced to
Answer you, hell no
I've acquired quite a taste
For a wellmade mistake, I wanna
Make a mistake, why can't I make a mistake
I'm always doing what I think I should
Almost always doing everybody good
Why

______
Can't take a good day without a bad one
Don't feel just to smile until I've had one
Where did I learn

I make a fuss about a little thing
The rhyme is losing to the riddling
Where's the turn

I don't want a home, I'd ruin that
Home is where my habits have a habitat
Why give it a turn

I've got a plan, a demand and it just began
And if you're right, you'll agree

Here's coming a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
Here it comes a better version of me
________

Oh, honey
(I've gone away)

Won't do no good
To sing no love song
No sound could simulate
The presence of a man
Won't do no good
Asking no questions
Your divination should
Acquaint you with the plan

Oh, honey
(I've gone a)
Oh, honey
(I've gone a)
Oh, honey
(I've gone away)

My feel for you, boy
Is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion
Of a murdered pery
And all I want is
To save you, honey
You can't intimidate me
Back into your arms

Oh, honey
(I've gone a)
Oh, honey
(I've gone a)
Oh, honey
(I've gone away)

My feel for you, boy
Is decaying in front of me
Like the carrion
Of a murdered prey
And all I want is
To save you, honey
Or the strength
To walk away

_______

Criminal lyrics
I've been a bad bad girl
I've been careless
With a delicate man
And it's a sad sad world
When a girl will break a boy
Just because she can
Don't you tell me to deny it
I've done wrong and
I want to
Suffer for my sins
I've come to you
'Cause I need
Guidance to be true
And I just don't know
Where I can begin
What I need is
A good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

Heaven help me
For the way I am
Save me from
These evil deeds
Before I get them done
I know tomorrow brings
The consequence at hand
But I keep livin' this day like
The next will never come

Oh help me but
Don't tell me to deny it
I've got to cleanse myself
Of all these lies till
I'm good enough for him
I've got a lot to lose
And I'm bettin' high
So I'm beggin' you
Before it ends
Just tell me where to begin

What I need
Is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

Let me know the way
Before there's hell to pay
Give me room to lay
The law and let me go
I've got to make a play
To make my lover stay
So what would an angel say
The devil wants to know

What I need
Is a good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against
Because he's all
I ever knew of love

What I need is
A good defense
'Cause I'm feelin'
Like a criminal
And I need
To be redeemed
To the one
I've sinned against

Because he's all
I ever knew of love
_______

If there was a better way to go then it would find me
I can't help it, the road just rolls out behind me
Be kind to me, or treat me mean
I'll make the most of it, I'm an extraordinary machine

I seem to you to seek a new disaster every day
You deem me due to clean my view and be at piece and lay
I mean to prove I mean to move in my own way, and say,
I've been getting along for long before you came into the play

__________

I let the beast in too soon, I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
Oh darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby runfree yourself of me
Fast as you can
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
'Cause I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can [x4]

_________

How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I can't breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That I'm much obliged to up and go
I'll idealize, then realize that it's no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
There's nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
Cuz I've done what I could for you, and I do know what's
Good for me and I'm not benefiting, instead
I'm sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he won't get with this
M'I gonna heal from this; he won't admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
It's time the truth was out that he don't give a
Shit about me

_______