As a Result of Crying

To begin -

Fear.
As you well may know,
but others may not,
I am desperately afraid
of being alone
being unloved
being unlovable.

Afraid that
so many things
have conspired against me
ever having another loving relationship.

and that's really the only time I cry
when I think about the love
I have lost
love that has not even
stepped into my path
or rang my doorbell
or looked me in the eyes

love whose lips I have not tasted
love whose kisses I have not stood up under
and said,
pour down on me
rain down kisses from your lips
to my face

because i am hoping
they will never stop

what i fear more than
never having love
is that I have love
and am clumsy and stupid
and know not how to make it grow
how to capture your eyes
and bring them only to know mine

what i fear more than never having love
is how vibrant and beautiful
we could make our love to be

what i fear more than never having love
is that I am falling in love with you
even though I've told myself over and over again
not to fall
not to trip
not to even see you

you.
can see through me.
i hate it.
you can see
that i love you
that i need you
that every time you kiss me it brings me
thismuchcloser
to breaking my heart
and i hate it.

why, if you see
how you might hurt me,
do you still continue
to kiss me?