An early morning after (no) sex

On this early morning after no sex,
I take in a gasp
and surprise myself with the embers in my pit.

the cold on my skin licks the heat in my skin and my head
and the purple in my head and my heart forces me into awe
purple, because my thoughts of you are red and blue
and never without linking, never stopping the mixing and the churning and the utter confusion.

you gave me a gift of tongues

you gave me more than you thought you did, thinking then
it's only no sex.
but now, now, now, it's so much more in me.
it's so much more because it is the first time in two years that i've been able to look at myself
and see the woman you touched when you fingered my skin and nuzzled my neck

i look at myself and see the woman that you saw, that you see

the one that makes you burn inside, the one who dominates your thoughts who steals the time from your mind and puts it in a box and shuttles that box into the sky to be lifted lifted lifted

on this early morning after no sex, i saw you and it terrified me.

that i say things to implicate you, to implicate your heart, and that i am playing with it like a cat and a mouse and it's hurting me inside to know that i want to destroy you.

god help me, i want to destroy you.

god help me, you are the best friend I've got that sees the woman I am and I want to destory you.

Your eyes lick over my breasts and my thighs and my calves, touching all the parts of me i've always thought were sexy and then you see them as they are and they should be and they tremble under your eyes
your eyes make me hate you and love you and need you and know that i can never really have what you could give
i can never really have what you could give
i will never have what you could give

i will hurt and destroy and confuse you to equalize the conflict within

you looked so good this early morning after no sex.
you looked so goddamn good and i wanted to touch your chest in the middle where you liked it, where you sighed when i touched and pushed
i was pushing my way into your heart and your life and your mind and i want out now.

i want out now, please.

your kindness is terrifying and i cry when i sit and stand and speak and i cry because you care and it terrifies me

that i am as great as i am, in my head, as i've always told myself how great i am.
that it's true, terrifies me. if you see it, and i see it, i am not blind.
i am not blind and you are not blind
and i've become an awkward beast who knows not its own strength
and i simply want to play

but that play will turn into kiss wiil turn into taste will turn into lick will turn into tease tease moan moan tremble and push and pull and pull and pull and pulling you into me with no sex.

and that play will burn your eyes and into your heart and through your blood i will own and destroy

so please stay away from me when you hold me,
please keep yourself in that distant land of weed and booze and musical peace and not into my head and my heart
i hate it that you are there and i lie to my friends and you are there and i hate it.

the peace and calm that you understand me with makes me hate you because i cannot understand myself with that peace and calm and i cry when i see the frustration in my eyes and i hate it because i love you.
i love you, who you are, not with me.
i love you the best way i can, which is far away from me.

so please...stay far away from me and i will love you that way and you will touch me in the night in your bed in your arms and i will be as far as the planets and you will love me then too