shower thought or, emotional recall exercise # 1

mrs. j invited me over for a nice, catch-up chat.

we were smiling and having a good time in the living room when you come up behind me.
i turned to see who was there and it was you,
and you, of all things,
knelt down and said,
"will you marry me?"
and you meant it.
ring and all.
it was beautiful, stunning, by the way.
breathtaking.

so i looked at you, and the box, and the ring, and at your mother.
she nodded, and said,
"i invited you over for him. he asked me to."

and i turned back to you and the ring and the box.

and i said, "can i hold it?" and you said,
of course.
and i held it, and i said,
to mrs. j,
excuse me.
and to you,
can we talk outside for a moment?

and outside the sliding glass door i said
i love you.
and this is a beautiful ring.
but i can't and won't ask you to live a life
with someone you don't want to support, not really.
and i won't ask myself to do that either.
so, this ring is beautiful, david,
and i closed the box,
and i'm sure whoever you give it to will love it.
i love you,
but we just aren't what the other wants or needs.

i walked back inside and left you standing with a box in your hand

and turned to your mother, who was staring at my hands, which i was wringing in front of me.
i held up my left hand and shook my head and said,
no.
i love david very much.
and i love your family and you, and your beautiful home.
you have all been so kind and loving to me and i love you.
but we can't be what the other needs and
it would be unfair to ask him to live his life that way.
i love you, and you are a wonderful mother.
and i hugged you as you stood up to speak
and whispered in your ear,
and you have raised a son that means what he says with all his heart.
congratulations.
i love him.
please take very good care.

and i turned to you, who was standing inside the door by now,
and said,
please take very good care of yourself.
and i love you.
and i am here for you in every way a friend can be.

but now i have to go.

thank you, and, mrs. j, i hope to see you again in this lifetime.